Lets sing about madness, you & I..

When my mind gets consumed by an obsession so intense, the words that come out from my mouth are vile..I provoke for a reaction, I'm poised for violence..

The only thing that I could see or feel is the urgency in my loins. I get blind, I get vengeful, I want to hurt and get hurt..

G l y c e r i n e

To break a building down takes more effort than it does to build one.

Trying to straighten things up is even more harder..

I wonder why some of us still carry on with shreds of a long gone relationship. In a semi-detached sort of way..To still live with an ex lover, no love in between & yet too meek to break off completely. Reason as they put it: its still there in some obscure corner of your psyche, some memories, some goodness, some love maybe.. Stefano does that with a style.

Probably when we turn 50, we ve got to face our fears and show all the cards we ve got. Nisha hates me when I try to confront what really goes underneath that quiet exterior. Or was I trying to test if she was as appealingly traditional as she puts up in front of me. She looked earthy and beautiful wearing just her mascara & I thot it was endearing when she probed to check if I could really swing both ways and I blew it when I said I like to feel it hard and rearing in me. I was so into him the whole of the evening that I blurted it out. She left the moment I finished the sentence. I didn't stop her..

Gulped down the last remaining champagne that I had in my glass and I headed off in the opposite direction. I wished I lied, only so as not to spoil our conversation but it was loud as hell at Indochine at the CQ & I only noticed all the fake fuckeries that men & women do. I felt embittered and I was in no mood to act nice. Baby, please be gentle, I am still learning all the things that men & women past 30 does...Been-there-done-that haughty tilt of their nose. The same disapproving look on their face..

I have no idea what am I writing about.

Rome was fascinating, It was unbearably hot & bright and none of us slept after doing a 12hrs flight and I had been awake for about 20 hrs and yet we headed off for a tour right after we touched the Roman soil. I especially liked the Colosseum and of course the Vatican City was awesome! The elaborate paintings on the walls, the space inside and the feel of St Peter's was great.

And I have never been hit on by so many men in one day! It didnt happen the first day I wore a jean & a hooded black shirt (well, it was hot as hell but I was gonna go to the church & I heard they wont let us in if I am scantily dressed) The next day I thot, the hell with it so I went in my brown Marciano dress) Italian men are so good at tryin their luck.. random guys on the streets, waiters, locals askin us for direction just so to start a conversation, to restaurants owners where we ate! I asked that owner if they sell cigarettes in his restaurant and he took off on his bike to get me 2 packs. Free!

I did enjoy Italy & I think I needed a breather from my suffocating depression that I was goin thru..And I went for this flight only to get a bottle of Barolo..I was in no mood to fly after I went to east coast the same afternoon and sat at the beach staring at the distance...I saw couples sitting together, some of them would look at opposite directions and it occur to me I d rather not stay in with a guy if it meant we would one day do the same..eat in silence, sit afar, and all the things that people who fell out of love does..I thot of having two separate places to live in just so I could have 2-3 hrs of pure passionate meetings...every week or maybe in a month. Weird reasoning. I am such a sucker for momentary fireworks..I need to wake up. Maybe I am bullshitting.

Boynao showed me this scene from Taxi Driver and he says when he needs to get his act together he watch the scene and it works.

June twenty-ninth. I gotta get in shape. Too much sitting has ruined my body. Too much abuse has gone on for too long. From now on there will be 50 pushups each morning, 50 pullups. There will be no more pills, no more bad food, no more destroyers of my body. From now on will be total organization. Every muscle must be tight.

Frantically rushed to the Airport.

Uninhibited glances from male eyes made me uncomfortable and I looked at what I was wearing..a black dress and a light blue, half length sweater. And I told myself 'i look decent so I shouldn't give a fly' ass!

Then headed to the Skypark just to show around. And the weather was pleasant so... Went to a Tapas Bar at Clarke Quay and we spoke for a bit after dinner.

I love sitting by the river just outside of Clarke Quay & stare at the reflection of the colorful lights on the water..listen to the music from bars & clubs closeby and people screaming from the swing.

The soft breeze played with my hair and cooled my face,it also created tiny ripples on the water and the lights amplified the effect it had on me...and at that moment life felt really good. I am young & healthy. And I am in love.

Maybe its just a gamble, maybe I d loose it all..Time, youth, blood relations, job, security and all the things that my frens say is important to sustain a secure future and which I try to soak in & couldn't. Sijina is so happy with her decisions, getting engaged to a man her parents chosed for her, quitting SQ, leaving this place forever and She'd asked me to do the same..Decide. Decide? If only I could come out of this paralysis that his name has developed in me..Maybe I want to loose it all. For one look of your face, one touch of your skin..

I am shifting from this house soon, throwing old clothes & shoes thats attached to a shred of memory that I treasured..things my sis got for me, some which mom sent me from Manipur & some that wudn't even fit me and I sat on the floor and I looked at it..

Yes, its fuckin hard to let go..How could I expect anyone to seal 13 years of its life with one kiss from my lips..Forgive me.

I was blind.

I wonder how much more will it costs us. How much more conscience will we have to swallow, what if in the end it turn out to be just a fling? I don't feel like writing you an email or to talk to you or to meet you when I am like this. And don't ask me why..

But it does feel a lot more than just a fling. A lot more.

Spoke to my brother,He is a yr younger to me & I treated him like my own son since we were kids and I wanted to be the one who showed him right & wrongs..responsible and shit! Buh! tonight I ended up telling him what I went thru. And I said I wish you were here and I love you. Leaned towards the table to grab a smoke and I felt this tears on my sideburns. Ignored it. Told myself I look better when I am cocky..not like this.

Chaak laame ema, ei halaknginge yumda..nangi nanaakta. Nangi hingjang sembada yaonginge..arembada loina taakhidoi maale eina sida leibagi, nangna thuna hanukhradi. Eigi enakta adum leiyuko..

I was in Moscow outside the Red Square, loitering around at the souvenir shops where they had those Russian dolls in different shapes & design.. Well, I saw one in white & blue which was pretty except that thot it could be well, made in china! Thats the thing about originality these days..you get everything everywhere. Very conveniently. Gustav Klimt's Kiss was on plates & everything and then I saw Adele Bloch Bauer on a jewelry box.. Can't miss that one coz it bagged a staggering 135 Million for that painting and becoz I was into Alex Gray then and both of these artists use eyes & colors that makes their art very catchy. Gustav of course is Gustav..sexuality is his theme, color & ornamentation his voice..

I especially liked Judith becoz of the Holofernes's head she was holding in her hands..I don't like women with longer face even with that powerful gaze but then again, dark is beautiful. And she s got small breast!

Fate leads the willing & drags the unwilling.

What works for me sometimes is to take a cold shower and change into something comfortable and I go out..To either go for a walk, take the dog or just go meet some frens. Works evrytime i wanna shed bad energies from within..And have a source of income just so I cud act responsible. Yea, this is it..

This is it for today..One step at a time. I m relearning how to walk and I ll stand up soon.

I slept fleetingly for an hour or two after I spent the whole morning outside..It goes without saying that I spent the previous night awake too. I remembered reading the Count of Monte Cristo where he makes a toast to the boy and says 'Do your worst, for I will do mine..'

Made me smile.. Yea, life does feel a lot like a storm right now, we bask in the sun one moment and shattered on the rocks the next..Well, I ll do my worst..

I ran for almost an hour to clear my head..The sea looked almost beautiful..the greenish water..I am just not in a state to appreciate beauty. Nothing seems to be..I ran back to my block.

I am going to the skypark tonight..I like heights nowadays.

I met this woman, 32 yrs old single & gay, on friday the 13th :) she cut herself once..saw her scars and as I touched it I wondered why people do this..cut themselves to prove that they have (some) control on their lives or themselves.. We ended up in bed, playing with each other's nails on our skin. I felt like a lesbian for one night. I avoided her calls the next day...she sent me a msg just now that I must ve freaked out. Well, No I am not scared about what we did, I am just not in the mood to fake that I wanna do it again. Her issues with her own life just won't help with my current mindset. I need to be with a sadhu and a cold beer maybe.

And I misread my roster. I can't find my uniform in the first place. Well, I didn't look for it until I am told I did a blunder..Blah blah by this chinese prick from the office. On the way back from a flight I was on pills and I couldn't even pour water on a glass. Kept spilling it. This is how well I am doing at work..

So what is it?

I know all the things that I don't wanna do: like report for duty, meet anyone that I know, talk to anyone from home, brush my teeth, or look in the mirror etc etc and I can't come up with a single thing that I wanna do. Except drink. I looked up the dictionary on 'loser'. its a

Noun: A person or thing that loses or has lost something esp a game or a contest! I know what a loser is (in our term).And I Feel like shit. Reminds me of those feverish nights when I was 12, passed out on my verandah and had drips on my veins and mom keep shoving boiled eggs and bananas up my throat and everyone is asleep and I d wait for morning to come.

At least I had a pretty good reason back then; jaundice. Now I don't even have a clue whats troubling me. Kids usually cry out when they shit their pants and out of discomfort..And I am an arian, I sud know that there must be a reason why I am being such a shithole these days..Half sane half insane.

I was reading a John Grisham coz i am planning to throw it right after. Its old & rain drenched anyways..and I slept off for an hour. I dreamt that I was a black woman and I stepped in a huge wooden pail with honey-like liquids in it. I heard it was the sacred water thats meant to cleanse your spirit! :-) and before that I made out with a afro man! what a graphic dream.. Saw 7 missed calls..

I am in the mood to see animals.. Zoo then.

The light from my window bothers me.

I am a Vampire. Woke up a bit early than I should have.

I am tempted not to write anything thats close to a fact. Especially when I know I have an audience and I have a friend who would do anything in his power to irate me. But then this is my lair. There is a reason why they say don't read someone's diary..You might find something you might not like. But does it mean we are two faced? I don't think I can act more than leave out certain things like: messed up bed, unorganized handbag or the fact that I hate to work nowadays or that I spoke with a person that I should not. Maybe I d rather leave out details about things that hurt me in the past, bandaged wounds or about family matters...or that incident when I got into a cat fight with a girl(she must be a man trapped in a woman's body) who sprung me in the air..and my punches tickled her. Freak! I didn't write about drunk driving too.

I made a toast & got a glass of milk and stared at it. Eat. Well..

So much for the power statement not to depend on any man. I am flat broke! Shouldn't have bought the 990 US Maxmara that I got. I need to make a call. eh, worst part is I dont know how to ask for the 100grands a fren owes me.

Doctor Lee got me 6 shots of hell on me today and I grabbed the sheets to control the stinging pain that I felt this afternoon. 3 more sessions of 6 shots, thats 18 injections! Ah, gosh..wtf.

Pretended that I was fine as we headed towards Sentosa..Took the cable car to the Island and spent the evening there watching Songs of the sea, sat at Siloso Beach and took the sky ride too..felt like a kid..then went to the southern most part of Singapore. I felt tired and I was in pain. But it was pretty ok in the end. I think.

My roommate of a year an a half left Singapore and her job for good. I told her every end is a new beginning. I guess I was consoling myself more when I told her its gonna be ok..You gonna live a better life, happier..I had been with her in the last few days when she was going thru a phase..of wondering whether it was the right thing to leave the job, the money, the traveling, the clothes, She knew she was going back to where she started from.

Perhaps, its a circle..The place which appears like an end might just be the beginning.

I did learn two things:

Quit only when you have enough money to last for 5 months at least. And if you haven't saved anything its still ok if you ve a boyfren like pankaj who tells her to take her time to figure things out, supports her meanwhile..or like Sijina who s getting married next month. She quit as well. But I d rather not depend on a man. A man with a 'no strings attached' mindframe. Or any man for that matter. Robert who keeps asking me to come back & marry him or TK who is still hoping I d come back to Manipur one day. No man. Not even my father. M*#^!%#@! men.

Second is Know why you re quitting.

I need to look for a place to stay if I am staying here for another 8 months.

I don't know whats next after 8 months. Tokyo.India.America. Mom obviously wants me to quit if I m unhappy here n not to ruin my health flying all the time. She mellows me down.

I am battling an urge to reach out for a bottle. But I d feel like a looser again. ALcohol nevr helps, woe is me. But instead I'll make it work, not head for the door as I am tempted and yet disgusted by my ability to take even more.

I won't let myself so susceptible. He is only human.

Well, it isn't anything that I haven't known about you earlier. So what has changed? I had a huge desire to lash out & scream but I am in the company of others. So I reacted just ok & tried to listen hard to their plans to go out.

Yea, I am in. And i'll wear Red

Fuck you

An ex flame called me..took my number from Menaka I think. I once got hit by my Parents because of him, his bloody bike broke down and it was late..6pm in Manipur is very late.

He told me he s still holding on the skinny wildflower that I plucked & gave it to him. He said its 9years 10months old! Lol.. I gave on an october evening he said..its hard to recall his face. Harder still to remember if I had any feelings for him.

I never said yes to him in the past but yea, he made me wet on the phone just now..He spoke nothing dirty. Maybe its just me..I am always on. Fuck. I am ready to swear all the m********** out of me. How much longer? I'll go to the Science Museum this afternoon and try to learn to use the AV mode on my camera.

Or go to Butter Factory with the 4 of us.

Or wherever but not here in my room.

S c a t t e r e d

I was at this book store once when I took my sketchbook and was tryna copy a drawing of an old man sitting on a rocking chair. I took my sandals off, sat on the floor, and started one Helluva orgasmic drawing spree. I got so engrossed for a good 26 mins, ignored passersby s stares and concentrated on the plain white sheet of paper. My hands shook, I must ve almost looked sexy, point focussed on one purposeful task in front of me (my ex girlfren told me she likes to see me that way Haha) ..And I thought it was gonna be my Masterpiece!

Dug a huge hole and out came the mouse!

The sketch was a flop!

I just can't fake it. I could only draw faces that I love. The rest I suck.

The first drawing that I ever did was of Sophia Loren..she was scantily clad in a loin cloth and her was feet in the water and her body was drippin wet...She is oozing 'A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view' from my school drawing book.

Well, my brother stole my book and flaunted to his frens and told 'em he did it..lol. I did quite a couple of faces from then on but everytime I start on a new sheet, I am always challenged by my ineptness with the strokes.

Perhaps I shudnt be bothered by the outcome but just go on doing it.

2.34am

Terribly tired & sleepless. And I couldn't take my mind off what happened this evening. Felt like a stab on my back.

I had waited for 4th august for almost a month now and as I laid on a bench at the park outside my block, I stared at my phone as the clock ticked 11.59, 4th august and I almost laughed out thinking it went too easily. Well, I did explode. I feel sorry for directing my anger & frustration to him. Think I took it too seriously.. It was no big deal. I only missed a flight. Yes. Except that I had counted days for this, ignored the disappointment I had in my heart at the mention of 'next week' & still slept with a happy heart last night thinking I would see that face again. Tomorrow.

If tomorrow comes.

I don't know why I thought of Indira when it comes to moments like this. Friends turned sour. And I have the harboring habit of an elephant. I don't forgive, I don't forget.