I read in the paper that a human eye can differentiate 500 shades of grey.
I wonder if it also means that we can understand the ambiguities of many things..
I hate ambiguities..
I guess it more often the last key in the Bunch that opens the door..

A Photograph by Erik Johansson.

I bought a book by the title Annus Bisextus, the name amused me and yea, I know how it sounds like. But as it turns out it means "leap Year" in Latin. Buh..Can't trust anything by the cover these days..

I shift from a Liberal mindframe to unoriginal to quaint and back. For instance, I don't think kissing is cheating, But I also don't agree that it isn't cheating if I don't enjoy it..

To separate the physical from the thought is something I can't do.. Thats when I cease to be open..

I went to the same spot where I usually sit and it does feel like my stairway to heaven. The view is just as beautiful as the first time I saw it when I was 18. A vast horizon of water under the red sun. Feels more like me here..not living a 'Leben der anderen'. I'll go back to shabby chez radha..

Naaley...

Aimlessly wandering from airports to airports, one hotel room to another to my shithole in Singapore..I'll find peace in your arms..my lover, my brother, my friend..

I'll wait for 23rd september to come. Like mecca to a muslim, scent to a moonflower, a dream to a drifter.. we'll meet each other halfway somewhere in a crowded busstop in India. We'll save enough to last us months..I'll take you to Manipur and we'll cross the border to Burma, we'll head off to Rishikesh and to the foothills of the Himalayas..And I'll show how to brush your teeth on a running train..We'll eat on the streets, sit with beggars and look at 70 year olds and say thats a beautiful age. And yes, we'll shit together someday, out in the open fields..

I'll bring my smile along.

It isn't nice to hang in between..I am in the middle of South India, waiting for my flight..I just don't know where to head to. I am more than tempted to go to Goa, get stone happy by the seaside and never go back to Singapore. And whoever I ve known there..

I'm on a vegan diet, I am amusing myself to go celibate as well (for a couple of months at least)..Got inspired sitting outside an airport looking at the red sinking sun on a smoky-polluted Indian sky.

I cant touch or feel that pain anymore..I guess Time eased the crease. I prayed & begged every night for endless months to wake up one day when I will forget him..its amazing I can't even recall his face..Who said God didn't exist?

Oh Yes, the eulogy.. Well, I went one night to say Goodbye and at that moment I felt the weight of 'letting go'.. I was loosing a person that I loved, not clothes, not things..a real person. It was like burying a dead..

'Forever' never felt so real until then. Where am I heading to? I ve a plane to catch..

I went in the water again..3 in the morning..

For one, it scares the shit out of me and I ve let it come in my mouth, my eyes and my ears but then it takes me where I wanna be...somewhere unreal.

I went out on my own earlier this evening..for a change..went to Cottons on, bought a Khaki shirt, a sweater, a black tank top and running pants. Bought myself a huge cup of yoghurt as well, my only source of energy these days..and I got stalked by a creepy boy who kept asking for my name and I told him 'I dont do this'..Came home to find a package outside my door..Flowers & soft toys and strawberries. Another guy I am avoiding.

Think I ll keep the strawberry...the nearest convenient store is a kilometer away!

Bought a cream for my lips..It still fucking hurts when I'm eating or drinking something.

Jo is in love with a guy who is 49 and she is lost..Married with two kids. I told her she doesn't stand a chance, she is what, 23? and men at that age wants to find out whether he s still fuckable but He'll fall back to his wife after the heat s gone..she s complicating her own perfect life, told her to run a mile away while she can and I knew I was lying all along.

Would you live a lifetime, safe in your cocoon without knowing love or burn yourself into that fire for one moment of pure beauty? I look at myself in the mirror and I am parched! ..I don't even care if I don't get to see him again. I don't care if he turns out to be an asshole, a coward, a runner, a Ryan Bingham crap or whatever..

I saw and felt it..this heaven or hell. And I will always be that moth circling the flame..

As long as I feel something, even if its pain..

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.

You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, .. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is... A group of people that miss the same imaginary place"

Know.

Think.

And act on it. Don't stall.

I've a few things to do before I go to India tomorrow. Sigh..My lips looks bad..

I've decided to carry on living. Deleted phone numbers..all of it, for my sake..coz I keep wanting to write something and I wasn't exactly looking for a reply which seems like a formal text..I wouldn't be surprised if I get a 'with reference to ur last text' on the subject line. Fuck you.

I am gonna go to Liang court, run for half an hour after that and go soak my restlessness in the water. Johnathan said I suffer from ADHD last night coz I kept wriggling from Sanctuary to Mulligans to Mr Bean's to another pub by the riverside in less than 2 hours. He suggested maybe I should try outdoor trekking or biking. Maybe I should go fuck myself..

This is the thing with my life, I get almost everything but in halves.. Even a win comes with a shade of losing.

Lets write something nicer you & I..Hmm?

I learnt how to step out of my own skin and pretend that I'm someone else..like for instance, when I am working I am this person with a smile, In my room I am Virginia wolf, with my frens I am the girl who is game for anything..esp, another tequila shots, with dean I am a girl next door whom you can ask for sugar..With you, I am me.

I flew to Beijing with this girl call cheryl, 24 yrs old, sweet & innocent..she screwed up big time on the flight, didnt know what was what, she couldnt even open her seatbelt. So I wrote her a step by step service procedures that somebody else did for me when I was new..We also went to the Forbidden City together and I waited patiently as she ate slowly..listened to all her grievances and her stories..She'll learn. Hugged her in the taxi and I said goodbye..she told me she'll never forget me and she was about to cry & I quickly stepped out. All the while thinking, its just a matter of time that she will..our job is such. I wouldnt even remember where I flew before Beijing let alone recall whom I flew with.

I told her to go out with her mom, go for a nice dinner and not to think about this flight..I also told her not to tell her mom about what she went thru..Why did I say that? Why did I ask her to do what I did..not tell my mom about anything that I came out of...mean chinese fuckers who... Well, I acted as If I was having a great time traveling while I came back feeling gangraped from each flight. I don't hate my job, I hate the crews sometimes.. I needed this job to prove me that I will stop my drug-chasing, Nimhans-friendly lifestyle that I had earlier... I was harming evryone around me. I used to feed R some pills and we used to get so drunk & high & I drove his car like marvin! I made Ash do evrything I did..

I think I kinda slowed down after that incident in Manipur..And I applied for a job, to get out of India..I think it helped evryone else that I left..well, thats comforting!

And Evryone believed it that I cleaned up well. Almost evryone..

I am suppose to write something nice. I found a new swiss premium flavour..Pink Grapefruit and it taste beautiful. And I did 3 lapses on the pool. Cleaned my room, finished long due chores and I am getting better.

I kept waking up every other hour. I have a flight to Beijing this afternoon.

Pack. Bath. Drink water.

Its starting to rain and my room is bloody cold. I lost the AC remote..I don't know me anymore.

Perhaps, I'll start on a clean slate. Learn. Swim. Eat healthy. Run. Read. Look more inwards than on the outsides. Accept that people are forces different than mine, they've a mind of their own, their own agendas, their moments. And I've mine.

Plan a day ahead.

Live Conscientiously.

Expect nothing.

Well, I'll go to Beijing, sleep when I land there and I soak on the tub and look outside the city and I'll come back..It all feels so trivial..Living like this. When did I get my period last? I must seriously start updating my Calender..and stop this madness of wanting my body to change. My friends said last night that most girls would be eager to have what I have and I don't even diet..He was complaining that girls have it so easy..at a job interview, at a que, all we ve to do is wear a skirt and half the battle is won. He was pointing at a group of guys and said, just look at that, look at their women beisdes them..they wanna be here on this table, they were staring at you when you walked in..Like some sick joke he added girls like me are the reason why men wud leave their wives and I stared at him.. Does he know..or was it some weird coincidence. I went out to light up a smoke and wish I didn't have to listen to that. I am not this. But I am also so empty.. Oh fuck, what did I turn out to be..

What do I lack that I settled for this..

I ended up late night at the beach, sat with my knees to my chin looking at the waves. Looked above every time a plane took off. Instinctively..

You know, our brain is so powerful that when we tell our mind to wake up at a particular hour you won't need a alarm clock..it doesn't forget much if you learn how to associate one event after another. Locating a misplaced key for instance is easier to figure out if you remember what you did & when you did it. I usually loose things. I loose my mind sometimes. Singaporeans are so good at organizing, extremely efficient & they re avid followers of SOPs..Standard operating procedures. My company runs with robotic SOP operators, anything out of the norms and they sweat their armpits. Indians on the other hand are terrible when it comes to rules..I hung with a couple of locals, some works in the police force, some are engineers and I realized how different I am from them.

Come May 2011 and I wouldn't know where I'd be..This job isn't so bad, especially the lifestyle that it gives us..We work our way up, end up in a hotel room and all we do is party or shop. Its not that it pays well but it puts us right there without making an effort of calling your frens & acquaintance for a night out..

I think I'm writing all the things that I don't wanna write..

I was full on today to do this & that..strike off from my to-do lists and I realized how everything I did was related to him. And I ended up doing nothing at all after reading the texts. I took my clothes off and when to the pool instead...

Kept thinking if I wanna do this for the rest of my life.

I came back from Bali, slept for bit and I sent a text asking him to see me for half an hour. 20mins exactly coz the taxi driver drove so slowly as he spoke..about family, how I'll never go wrong if I uphold my family and choose to do what is right for them, no matter how bitter it felt at the moment. He kept saying we're asians and I hated how it sounded, how he would put the europeans in contrast. I wanted to believe that we were the same..that love runs just as deep in his veins.

My family is dysfunctional..

He keeps leaving.

Children show it off like medals,lovers use it as secrets to unravel..a scar is what happens when words re made flesh.

Sijina left for India..for good. I told her earlier that I'm not gonna be a fool to cry..we laughed, joked about excess baggage, how Indians always travel with excess baggage and shared a meal, she ate her fav Mcspicy burger for the last time.. before she hugged me to say bye..She had lost so much weight, she felt almost frail as i hugged her back. And she said in my ears that it was a pleasure to have known me and that she would miss me. A lot.I wanted to tell her to shut up, wanted to say this isn't goodbye but then it slowly sank in me that it was. She asked me to leave before she went in & I told her not to look at my face and that I won't turn back. Distance and time so effectively end ties..

I was hanging on a thread the whole day..Immigration and a goodbye wave earlier that morning and I was gloomy. I stood behind the glass wall and I stared at the tall frame and I thought I am letting myself get hurt again. I have seen you leave over & over again and every time it feels like a deep cut..to just stand there watching you go. I guess those who leaves has it easier than those who stayed behind.. I must ve had a heart made of stone to endure this.

Alcohol has a way of washing off your heartache as you give in to it's numbness. With that I started sorting papers, stacking it, throwing old clothes and shoes and packed one and a half year of living in my old room, to a few boxes. I found letters, birthday cards and I kept some, stealing a few memories from life's suitcase..change does feel like new shoes, it always bite on your skin. I hate the light in this room but having a pool & a gym wouldn't be so bad. I had a gloomy feeling as I entered, I missed my old room, missed the trees that sways on a rainy day.. lit up a smoke and unpacked my bags and embraced this fucking room as my new home.

Dean told me I looked like I just saw a hurricane & he did evrything to cheer me up..He is a short fella with oldfashioned hairstyle & as if I was a kid needing a candy, he came to pick me up on a jaguar. I had a coupla drinks and I found myself talking to a few old timers at Georges and I started smiling again. Smoked outside with a woman of scottish & chinese origin and we were talking about (yet again) my nationality..she came up with an outrageous 'you look spanish'..Said goodnight and I came back, sat by the pool, smoked and made some frens who told me to join them for a drink this weekend.

One way or the other, we have to wriggle our way out... There is no such thing in life as permanence. Moving is living.

A bad hangover to start with..

And I went to a coffee shop.

I dread people asking me where do I come from..

India??What the..

Yes,I am Indian.

Are you sure? Ask your dad..

Excuse me?

Haha..Just kidding!!

You look Indonesian, Malay maybe, perhaps Pinoi or maybe a eurasian coz of ur accent.

I am Indian.

I've never wanted to prove I am Indian, but I end up trying to do it. Even in India.

I am so bad with my packing, I never check the weather condition in advance and as it turns out, i under packed. Just had a thin hooded jacket with me and it started drizzling..so I got myself another jacket. I got 4 already which I don't wear. The more I hang out with a set of crew, the more I get annoyed by their english & their way of cutting all the verbs & prepositions..I am not much of a grammar person but I get too totally lost at times. Belinda is the only exception, the only singaporean I love coz she is genuinely a nice person and she makes me laugh. The rest of them I bear it & I think they bear me too..

She is gonna pick me up when I land in Singapore & I'm beginning to wonder if I have really become too submissive. But gosh, she is persuasive..I am barely trying to get used to being with a woman and she went ahead and invited me to a family dinner. She said 'please' and i said 'I will not move in with you' for a dozen times. Even if I've to pay half my salary in a crappy place. Sijina is against me hanging out with her & rightly so, and yet I am doing it even after what happened. I worry about something..I see her vulnerability. You notice those things that people do when they re unsure about the other person's feelings. Phone numbers re at their fingertips, you know what they like to eat, you automatically check the timezones the other person would be in etc etc..She s gonna wake up at 5, brush, bath n drive all the way down from Dempsey. For what? For illogical reasons..

I miss his face, I wonder if I would really change after 3 years..feeling tied down to proving that I wont change. I hate the word '3 years', it kinda stuck in my head..wish he would stop behaving so 'mature' and would show me his more boyish side..of wanting a reassurance every now & then, like I do..I am more often than not the one who don't stir even when a boy does a A la bollywood style punch-the-wall or when I see them cry like a baby. Its much easier if you choose the guy who loves you more than the other way round. Every female species chooses..Birds, monkeys, donkeys..We are born choosy. Perhaps more becoz we want a father who can keep a nest. I never thot in these terms earlier.. Gosh, look at me..I am as restless as ever, keep flirting & drinking and do all the things that a teen does growing up.And I m not 18..I can't wait to be 28. To feel 28..

I can't wait to become that woman with a child..everyone says I'll be a great mother even if i suck at being a wife. I think I could be a great girlfriend.