A bird thrown in a Valium Sky

Guilt is such an unnecessary baggage to carry. Its heavy especially when I sleep at nights..Guilts about the way I spoke to elders at home, of lovers that I walked on & of promises that I didn't honour. And a pressure to write when I couldn't do even one line. So I took a pill to put on a thick skin so that when I read what I wrote I wouldn't throw up on it. 
I wonder if I am any different now than how I was  at a Shady night club that runs non-stop from Friday night till Sunday morning, soaked in ecstasy and dancing with a girl with 4 blade lines on her wrist that read 'If I were you, I wouldn't come near this vinegar heart'. Her eyes said something else.
She played with her nails on my skin the previous night & we reeked of lust. We had men swarming around us.

I don't know what was it that drove me then, was it an urge to see how far I could go or just the pure recklessness of a girl without a purpose to live for. And I squandered my youth, wasting it, abusing it & I loved doing it as I danced..

I tell a beautiful lie 

every time that I did not open up my mouth.

All the same, it’s a game,
it’s a play, it’s a war,
it’s a shame that we’re always fighting for.
I don’t mean to cast no blame
I don’t intend to pretend, I could never loved you more. 
But in the blink of an eye, everything you ever knew can change.
And it’s a beautiful lie if you think everything will always stay the same.


Its a frozen photograph of a past that I fear. I fear wearing that old skin..That old secret again.
A secret that's aching to show..

I felt the grind of the rocks on my bare feet as I tread from one rock to another, closing in to the edge of the cliff. I am in an obscure Thai beach, away from people's view.

It was the sound of the sea that pulled me and as if I was under a spell I edged in closer & closer until there were three more huge rocks and there it was...the vast ocean. There was a moment's hesitation, I could either loose my footing when I jump through the distance between the rocks because of the slippery moss on it or I could fall off into the water. And I cant swim.

I fleetingly saw more than a dozen crabs crawling on the crevices as the waves roared, washing the rocks creating white foams and tiny cat fishes wriggled to get back in the sea. It was their world that I was in.

The sun's ray escaping from the overshadow of smoky clouds glittered the water's surface and it simmered.

I took off my sarong from my waist, the only thing that I was wearing and I leaped onto the next boulder. And I was on the edge, I stood still and closed my eyes. I felt the power of the waves vibrating on the rocks and its force rushed through my feet and into my heart..

A Frenchman once told me that when we were born, when nature takes it course of pulling us out from the dreamy oblivion of our mother's womb the experience is traumatic...the sudden expulsion of pressure from our ears, blinding light and the strange feeling of taking our first breath of air.

As I stood there wearing nothing but my skin, my body sweating from the heat and the aggressive rush of life in my veins at that moment I thought I'd go through that experience of being born again. And again. For what I saw in front in front of me. Beauty to its lair. I gulped in the seawind and I screamed out.

I felt insignificantly small as I stared at the sea. All our dreams & worries, the humdrum of day to day life must've seem so futile in her eyes. I was nothing more important than a sea urchin, the fish or the crabs...I was only a speck of life to her. For one silly moment, I felt wise with that knowledge of my insignificance and I smiled.

I still felt like a naked Goddess 

Heaven sent, Heaven stole.

Delhi's heat evaporated my patience the moment I landed at the airport. Saw my name on a Placard and I turned towards that direction. On the flight here, I was seated next to a guy who kept ramming me with questions on where I came from, what I do, whom am I meeting in Delhi..After 10 mins of it and I asked the flight attendant if I could change seat, right in front of him. And she shifted me next to an elderly woman who smiled and then asked 'Betta, kaha se ho?' Where are you from? Japan? And I said 'Yes!' Funny, it was the name of a country that I'd erased from my head & this woman so easily set the mood for the rest of my flight. That reminds me I have a ring to return. & so so much more.

I quickly gave her my corporate meal (Its a budget airline, no meals were served & we Indians don't like anything that's not free) and it served its purpose. Kept her mouth busy. She thought I was kind!
Two weeks of tedious talks at home and I am this. My sister blurted things that she didn't want to, I know. I love them to death, But Gosh, One more sessions on counseling and Marriage and I am so close to killing myself.
Freja came to see me at the Airport, Dad and Abe was with me, She told me she met with an accident because she rushed on the bike. I looked at her bruises and I thought its so futile, all the hopes that a 21 yr old kid is weaving. Even on 3 prozacs I know all the hallucinations that I'll eventually wake up from. Reality being one of 'em.

Just got here in this room and I downed a Vodka straight. And put Skin on loud. A wasted day today talking with the officials & this heat don't help.How do I head to Bali with all the baggage that I bring in in my head..

I am wearing the charm that mom gave me, on my waist & its a silver on a black thread, i fiddled with it, stare at it..What kinda protection do I need? The enemy is within.