Talk about physical exertion..!I Feel like the cat who s got the cream..

If the world ll fall apart in a fiction worthy wind, I wudnt change a thing..

Love is a verb here in my room...here in my room.

Jogged this evenin..is it age catching up or my unhealthy habits that I was panting after the third round.I remember I had this fuel that burnt constantly when i ran earlier..Well, anyway by the time i was in the 11th lapse I felt much better.I loved the sweat & the physical exertion.

I feel a certain restlessness though..perhaps its the events that ll happen tom.i see the futility of my efforts...

An appointment at Raffles boulevard, a few forgettable shops in between n yes, matthias.My keyboard seems to ve froze or is it my fingers?

Jet lagged & hungry.

I got called up for a 7days seoul san fransisco just 5 hours before the reportin.So when I reached seoul the next day i slept off on the sofa of my hotel room.Had a flight the next day to California.11 plus hours...I felt screwed sideways.Anyway,when I finally reached SFO i slept thru out the day n woke up hungry again.So I went down to this fast food joint just outside Parc55.I saw a few blacks screamin out somethin incoherent..think they might be under an influence..A lot of bummers surprisingly.as i passed by n this guy sorta almost came beside me.I hurried..my heart skipped a beat.I had a whole day to myself...so I went out in the mornin..My gosh,the place was so alive...people performin on the streets..tap dancers, violinists..painters..

Well, I shopped!Never blew so much money in my life.Sale in America is so cool.Its a lot better than korea..I got this black tight pant that was size double zero!n the salesboy told me i sud ve a happy smile on my face today..haha.He hasnt seen my ribcage.Shoppin is rescue when u re bored out of ur brains.And i thought I wont buy anything on my way back to seoul...My cargo bag looked as if it wanted to vomit!

Sleep never came in so easily. Its 6.20 in the morning.Again.

Thought i might as well eat breakfast and sleep so I went to the fridge to look for the carton of milk. Chose the dark grapes instead.turn out to be with seeds, shit.Two sticks left of a pack.Gosh, am i rushing myself to my deadbed? I looked at the pack n learnt that its spelt as c-i-g-a-r-e-t-t-e  and not with a 'gg' in it, n i ve been smoking for ages..lol!  

Think I got paid..I thought the salary wud at least cheer me up.. 

I thot i sniffed the scent of my own hair as i got up to close the curtains..How was i earlier? Comin out of the shower, gettin ready to go out..he told me once that i'll never look as beautiful as i was on that day.Nothing makes sense these days..Perhaps when mom calls me on the phone,i see a glimpse of reality thru her voice..the rest of the time, its an overcast of nothingness. I feel empty. 

I almost went ahead to email this person long dead..

To say that I felt perfect with you once..

Think the scar is still there altho i dont remember how the pain felt like.How was it really?did my pillows stained with my tears...did i cringed as i let it go?I dont remember..It does feel like a dream, remembering only bits & pieces when u wake up the next day..half conscious, half lost in oblivion.

This so call 'arrangement' that I have with the stranger is so crystal clear..that we only chew what we can swallow. Nothing more, nothing less...It was my terms, my conditions..It rained again and I stood by the window and thought of this forest in Hamburg...

The phone seems to be dead.Then I remembered my own words'..dont text me when u re in germany, I need this silence..'Oh yeA, i did say that..Now that I think of it, i do like this silence..its a lil heavy to carry when your conscience sets in.Why cant I take it casually?Enjoy the moment while it last...I guess I know the answer already..That its not real.Its never gonna stay in my hand no matter how tight i clench my fist.It ll slip away, silently in the night.I felt this tightening in my chest..I told  myself lightning cant hit in the same place twice.

Have I found you?Flightless bird...

Jealous, weeping or lost you..

The calendar says its 23rd of july..Shit,its cheng's birthday..Lost track of time & dates. I am so dependent on my phone to even remember which part of the world am I.I actually stayed up to wish her but it must be 6 in the mornin in india. I am on standby, I might get called up for any shitty flight that they assigned me. I stayed up all night to sketch a face. I was so aware of the fact that my hands werent as awake as my heart was..

I ran today in the rain..my cheap jogging shoes were actually comfortable.I pushed myself untill i was breathless.Where m I.Singapore yes.

So much has changed since i last wrote anything here. I got what i asked for..a job that lets me travel every alternate days..I got the whitest of bedsheets, been to america for the strip clubs,tasted amsterdam's weeds..what else did I wanted? I forgot. 

The latest news is i m unable to store anything new in my head..I smoke half a pack A day,jet lag is my lover in bed and i dont recognise people i cared before.I do know that I am miles away from them...from home, from all that I held precious..its morning already.I have learnt something though..I look each day in its eye. 

I’m thinking of buying this LBD, wear my hair down and see this person whom I’m not suppose to see. But then I thot the year is getting over and I am leaving soon so maybe one more mistake wont make a difference..Is it hope?That quintessential thing that precedes giving up? I know the answer would still be no…but like thay say, when we are in the gutter some of us are looking at the stars! My butt s hurtin, maybe I’ll cushion this chair some more..Amazingly, my depleted account isnt hindering my spendings. When u pay less attention to money, the more u’ll enjoy letting it go. We are young only once anyway..and who knows I may land 6feet under tommorrow. Gosh, no plans for the future..no resolutions yet again but then if I get to fly with SIA I am on a roll this coming year. Rest will be the rest. And after reading Robert Frost’s provide I’m considering not ending up like old Abisag. But I still feel if we hold on to things that we ve in our clenched hands, we won’t feel so bad about not drivin a Gallardo or not being born in hollywood! I ve a gr8 family, an amazing fren who wont give up on me and my skin is as good as ever so I ve nothin to complain about..Happy new year!
I am listening to the corniest manipuri love song that was meant as an answer to my uneasy questions…turnt out to be a lie anyway. Its silly but I cudnt delete it yet so I play it once in a while just to laugh at my actions perhaps. The idea of giving it all or nothing at al…………..6.30! My sis ll wring my neck if she sees the room this way..Upside down..More later

U spend all ur time waiting for that second chance…The word flows thru the tapping of water and I stop midway in the shower..Sarah Maclahlan’s Angel sounds great even till this date. Last time I heard it I was 15…So many things has change since then, my dreams got reshuffled, aspirations marred but then I lived a lot…I’ve travelled alone, ve swam in the greenest of seas, ve stood alone on a cliff in the middle of the night, if I slipped that night I wud ve smashed my face..I wasn’t exactly sober and my frens’ callin out to me sort of dimmed in the roar of the water breakin on the rocks…I was fearful of the height but I ve never felt more alive and young..that nite. I kept tellin myself don’t be too squeamish n timid about ur actions, all life is an experiment..what the fuvk as changed???lol..What followed was a bad record on my marksheets, unremarkable jobs in between, unemployment, sordid love affairs, a sex change..lol..actually, nothing. I haven’t changed at all.

I don’t have the luxury of being a purist…I wake up every morning to this world that’s full of agony. Shunning away from the Tv doesn’t really work coz I still cant help but read newspapers that come to my doorway every morning bringing news of terrorism, crime and violence...n I shift in my bed uncomfortably. The journalist who hurled his shoes to the President is being labeled a Hero by Pakistani media and the like. During dinner my frens wud tell me that India’s silence in regard to the recent attack in Mumbai is the quiet before a storm. Are we on the brink of war? A lot of people are accusing India for not taking any step..Military or otherwise….obviously the diplomatic rhetoric and running to mommy and daddy (US and Britain) ain’t working. The thing is people DIED out there.
I am reading ‘We the living’ by Ayn Rand…The book’s backdrop is that of a war torn Soviet and I wud consider myself lucky for being born in a time without war…my Granma used to tell me stories about their ordeal during the last world war. Mom’s generation was pretty peaceful altho she married a poverty stricken family…And now me. I am not Nostradamus, I can’t perdict but considering the present situation, I am not sure if this era will be War free. This is a different sort of time where people hate each other so much…Bangalore’s traffic for instance, is enuf to summon a road rage that’s alarmingly scary. If somebody accidently touch ur car even a tiny lil’ bit, u’d screamed all ur motherf*** hatred in a gush of derogatory. Nobody listens to Bob M’s love for one another I’d say. I noticed one thing..When the Palestinian came on TV screaming Allah o Akbar out on the street when their homes were burnt down, some of my Muslims frens wud shiver and tell me they feel so violently for them, that their heart reached out to those who lost so much in the despicable horror. So how did all of this really started..The US of A has a reputation of stickin their fingers on any country’s ass…Oil being the agenda. And the bearded fundamentalist followed suit. The Hindus' demolition of Babri Masjid was another mistake. Does it really matter if a temple stood before that? What about the people who were burnt alive in that train? We all look at the bearded guys with strange eyes. Even after 16 years, we spent that fateful day in anticipation whether another terror attack will strike again...We could no longer sit in our living room and ask them to leave us alone…they’ll crawl right back to us. I had to write this. It has been culled out of me. What next? Peace process with Pakistan has been put on hold…Pakistanis media laughs on our own distrust of the Indian police. Our PM’s dependency on the bureaucrats let those on high commands go scot-free even after the fiasco. India requests US and Pakistan to take action n shamelessly tells us that life must go on with its timid bit of ‘asking for the LeT leader to be handed’ being the only so called action they've taken so far, Not reassuring I must say. Should we all start carrying guns like those in Afghanistan to protect ourselves? Ratan Tata, who owns the Taj groups has declared he’ll have his own set-up to counter terror. Our police are incompetent. Funny thing I see a lot of police guarding our night clubs here…Lol..we call ‘em our moral police…Pretty busy scaling up and down all the girls in short skirts. I remembered Sharon Stone being badmouthed by the Chinese media for saying that it was Karma that many Chinese died in the recent quake. Hmm...y am I writing about Sharon? Got distracted…oh yeah, the Tibetan refugees……
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… n the vicious cycle continues….

As if the north wind blew again..beckonin me to leave. I ve a flight this sat. Tired of reasonin with those around on why i sudnt go, why I must write the test, visit the doc etc etc..And then I thot of all the reasons that made me get the ticket in the 1st place..I get bloody mental in this place..

I knocked down a bottle of Merlot last nite and I realized the wine was getting over only when its residue stayed on my mouth. When I smiled I had wine stained teeth. I woke up feelin sore…Slept at 5 in the mornin…In a haze of thoughts…incoherent mostly and yet I felt as if it was beating inside me like a second heart, refusing to leave me..And I panicked. I prayed an Atheist’s prayer for morning to come. Mmm, I guess I went overboard in my secret plot to buy a gun and hence I stayed up allnite with smacking lips n brimming eyes..Lol..Like a psychopath who is hungry for fire and brimstone.

Sunday morning. I was dragged out of the house for a morning walk.. I was glad later on coz we played in the soft drizzle and on the greenest grass of all. The view was breathtaking…birds,trees,a lake. And we acted like kids…Roby even taught us to do Yoga which was a disaster coz he forgot the next step midway while we were aiming our butts towards heaven..lol. A trip to the Banerghatta National Park was cancelled coz my sis wanted to shop instead. So we headed to Oasis…we were left gapin at the price tags..lol. There are sum of us who look really good in Fcuk and sisley. I look better in a 150Baht tank tops and shorts..Hah!

SaturdayNite. Bangalore’s Bars are real slow. No Dance Floors, an 11.30pm Ban and the No Smoking Labels everywhere. 4 of us drove to brigades to shop instead…Springfield and Benetton. And I found a new place that’s got Blacks on every hanger! I love Blacks. The place had the shortest of skirts and tightest of pants. I was gonna go there again…Roby got a Fat raise in his Salary so he wanted to pick the tab for whatever we ate..lol. But then we waited for a lousy 20mins to get a place to dine at Dominos. The assholes just wudnt leave even tho they were thru.
There was a rally goin on that nite…to protest the recent hit in Mumbai. It reminded me of that guy who screamed ‘…Everybody knows things are bad..Things are crazy, punks are running in the street, Homicides n violent crimes evrywhere..Nobody knows what to do, we don’t go out anymore, We live in our livingroom n we say please leave us alone, lemme have my toasters n my Tv, I woudnt say anything. Just leave us alone. Well, I am NOT gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad. I want you to say I am a Human Being God Damnit, my life has value!’ You’ll see this guy in ZeitGeist and a coupla videos of sum rock bands..System of a Down for one. Watch Zeitgeist I say.