I slept fleetingly for an hour and woke up coz the light was so damn bright. My elbow hurts a bit..hit myself at the aircraft door when I did a 12hr flight...

So the 3 month vow that I imposed on myself will be broken with one visit at my place...One fateful visit. I must sleep first inorder to let it happen..Now that I think of it, I wasn't really strict on keeping the vow. Brix happened earlier.

Went to Takashimaya this evening and I was a cosmetic counter trying a Narciso Rodriguez essence when a guy came up and left $ with the lady behind the counter to convince me to buy it. I felt a little cheap accepting the gesture, I laughed it off initially and said no, but thanks and it went on & on..he pursued until I started blushing. Ended up taking it awkwardly. Was it because he wanted me to buy it or because he was feeling suddenly in a 'love all (wo)man kind' mood? The lady said its because you re pretty. I felt otherwise. Told myself that I am pretty much capable of forking up my own expenses .. Perhaps, I sud be a lil less shallow about the whole thing and just be flattered that he liked me.

How can you stand not knowing what you want?

Howard Roarke

Perhaps I could give it a shot..Sum it up to this. A sane mind, a healthy body, a purpose to live & die for, happy family, an address at east coast with white walls and a room where I could sketch and paint.

Its ironic how my mind could be swept off by one name of a city: Cambodia.

I always choose trebuchet as my font..Its a habit. Habits could be nasty. Smoking for instance is a terrible one. I opened the 7th from a pack of ten just now(Duty Free is just 22$ n I pay 12$ outside for one pack). And I gotta mend my drinking habits as well..The last time I went out was at the Brix at the Grand Hyatt here in Singapore and He said he wants to see me..God knows why did I break my own vow not to see him. I ended up being sandwiched between two men and the bartender when he showed up. His first words were 'So they you are..' The sarcasm in his voice was acidic and my smiled died on my face. The bartender thot he was bothering me and prompted me to come in incase I wanted to. I mixed Chauvignon Blanc with Vodka and a glass of champagne. I puked in the taxi i remember. What a night! It was horrible..

I was pretty drunk last night too.. Beers & JaegerMeister shots! Found myself sprawled on my sofa and the lights started to hurt my eyes. The Bayern lost the final. Have a flight tom afternoon and I must sleep now.. Mom freaked out when the Air India Express flight crashed killin all except for 8 pax, her voice were quivering when she said she wanna ask me to quit..I laughed it off but I felt it, told her I am happy and eating and having fun..And our Airline is one of the best in the world, went on to explain that we do a lot of safety checks before a flight gets airborne. I hope I made her feel better..Most of what I told her were true except the I am happy part..Well, I d be a fool if I am not grateful for having what I have in my hands. Time, youth and freedom.

I bought a Marc Jacobs's Lola that gave me a headache! got a purse as well and a 6 inc Aldo heels..My phone bills of 933 thats 30grands in rupees, my rent and the TV, internet and all that s gonna give me a hole on my pocket I am sure.

Was reading Psalms 91 becoz mom asked me to and i found a verse...

Ps 91:4 He shall cover thee with his feathers and under his wing shall thou trust: His trust shall be thy shield.

My mother wants me to read psalms evryday before I step out. Having children must ve been really heavy. He sent me a text that read 'Son: why do you look so sad & tired? son, I m thinking about this woman that i love so much all the time. Thats what I should say' Was it a question? I dont know what to reply at that..Except that I love you too. I really don't know why am I meeting evry idiot on this earth but him. I intend to find that out..In 3 months? Ah,..

Wine, cigarettes or hash? Or would I rather choose the taste of his mouth when I kiss him..Music, running with the heavy congestion on my chest..or setting my feet on a new country..what drives me?

So she is pregnant. For a spilt second I felt something in my heart and it went off..I didnt try to decipher what it meant. well, I had dreams where i would wake up with the feelings of having fed a baby from my breast. It would be so real that I d take a nasty cold shower to come out..sometimes, i let the feeling linger just a wee bit. Just before the reality of my situation creeps in my head and i try and shrugged it off.

I miss mom when she tries to stay awake by my side when i m ill and she'd doze off after a long tiring day, cooking and washing. Miss the sound of her breathing...like a subtle snore, reassuring and so familiar. Gosh, I miss her. And baba.

May the 16th. The first day of the rest of my life..

I barely slept in 48hrs, two hrs of fleeting sleep here and there and it would be an understatement if I'd say I am tired. And yet, I couldn't call it a day. Our airline is doing well, I think..I see new girls being rostered on flights and I heard 10 batches are currently under training. Which is apparently good i suppose. So the 10% cut off in our basic wouldn't be there. Not that it bothered me. So what really does bother me? Maybe, being not able to see my Family in a year.., buying something thru my gritted teeth bothers me, being used to ideas that a place to live and car is what I might work and Not knowing what love is bothers me..

Work.

While I was sipping a Mondavi Fume' and trying to sleep I kinda thot of the irreverssible damages that I caused..So many that I couldn't bring myself to admit. I wish I was smarter, wiser..How did Confucius got all the wisdom in the world with just one life? I am Missing that face that I saw for the first time outside of the Hyatt in Taiwan...the good looks and I remembered what I thot at that moment.."where the fuck where u all my life?' Was I intoxicated? I am pretty much rite now..I could tell at the way my Laptop got a dent and i heard a dang just now, my eyelids are heavy too. I bought the idea that I could give myself 3 months before I could walk up to him, arms & legs wide open. Babe, its just an affair...This is what I tell myself everyday. would we be even there when I ve to confront the truth? would we even last a few years.. Eternity is a word too exaggerated. I love his ring..The sheer coincidence that once I saw it at the back cover of a magazine and I thot it was nice, i was in school then. I wannabe able to come back to Manipur, even get engulfed with the hopelessness of this place..its a suicide but I feel like choosing it over this dream.

Now i feel like laughing at my plight...I see how easily I d give myself to an obsession. Thinking every waking moment. Its just the face that kept changing. I d never be loyal to anyone except to love.

My best fren isnt talking to me anymore (well,I was the one who told her to stay away from me)..but I guess it doesnt count in my favour even if I wrote here the reason why I said that.

There was this fren of mine, a girl who stayed with me in my college days..she cared for me, cooked for me and I think I gave her just as much love as she gave me..Perhaps more. A few years later,she & I drifted apart..two different cities and I didnt feel like taking a train evrytime to see her.. I was still studying back then. So when I met her last year, there was an incident that brought me to stand up and notice things abt her which had been there all along. She spitted fire, abused verbally to her soon to be husband. And I told her when our friendship faded away it was her acidic words that she used on me that stayed in my memory..much longer than her love. I told her not to do it.. I think I was pretty soft all this time to take it from her..things about my family, moral issues and blah blah. My best fren is somewhat like her. Sometimes I look outside a window, gulp down tears and still get amazed that even at that moment, not even a single bad word comes out from my mouth. I think I got this from my parents.

What upsets me most is knowing that I loved her a lil less each day..I dont even miss her anymore. Got so used to being my own nurse.

I must go get ready.

Its been six months since I came here. Well, this is supposedly a virtual diary and I think its rather lame to write anything here. Superficial to want anyone to read this. But then I find it too much of a hassle to find a pen, get a paper and start a mind fuck. And my keyboard is pretty smooth. So here I am again..Talking to myself, whispering these words as I key in.

I am gonna go watch a game between the Manchester United & the Bayern Munchens at this place call Manchester United Cafe Bar in about 2 hrs time. Its past midnight here in Singapore and the place is open till 6 in the morning. I am not into football but then he is german and he had been bragging about how ecstatic it d be if the germans win. I think we might get thrown out for going to a hardcore united club to cheer against them.

I ve been with this guy for about a year now. It was interesting to see myself go thru change..like for example I started liking the taste and smell of double espresso on my mouth when I hated coffee earlier. And sparkling water is what I drink whenever and wherever I could. And I thot bubbles sucks in a drink..I dont do sprite or coke only because I get this burp thats absolutely disgusting. I started liking San Peligrino and perriers.. I wonder if we become the other person when we are in a relation..It would be terribly boring in the end. I also notice him mimicking my 'hmm'..thats the sound I make when I try to think of the next word or when I am avoiding a verbal confrontation..I also do my hmmm when I eat yoghurt and he does the same. Like some cat with a satiated look on its face. We both love yoghurt, like to lick the foil when there are some on it, love running and sparkling water..Thats three. I m sure three wont bore us soon..

Hmm..I saw my face in the mirror today...Flushed and pink.Think I'm starting to like it a lil more than I should..Feel like this self worshippin female..Runnin s great when you want your thoughts in place. I completed 10 without taking a break and the best part was the last round when I increased my pace. My chin shook, my breathing was the only thing I was aware of and I lived some more. A small cat came up to me when i lying on the bench and licked my fingers as I tried to cool the heat on my face..That amazing heat. My flight went pretty ok..Came home, lit a smoke and turned on the laptop, saw this girl on a mission with 4 men, got disgusted and I quickly took a shower..well, my sis asked if I wasnt in talkin terms with my best fren so to prove her otherwise i called her. She said she d problem adjusting to the title of a wife(she got married lately) and I told her the secret..Be good in e kitchen & e bedroom. The rest is the rest..Lol! As if i applied that..well, anyway I got a few calls from those that i met lately but i was unwilling to go to KL or to wherever they were saying...racing & makan dont interest me at this moment. I totally forgot i was suppose to meet this girl as well and i apologized. Hmm..short term memory is what I am suffering from. I hated my ringtone then(a sci fi alien descendin sorta noise), it annoyed evryone else n that was y i kept it in the first place n then it started to annoy me as well..Mute sounded better. I like talk shows in mute..

Did a sketch of Aung San and I couldn't capture the softness of her eyes...Her beauty made it harder. I cant make a person smile when i draw, it always turns out to be one's most unfeeling, cold look..Perhaps thats how i see them.

The chilean wine turn out to be a disappointment..yesterday was one disappointment,today as well..I didnt know a No could numb me this way.

I was gonna go down just to wet my fingers at least but then a damn thunder shook me. I realized i am alone in the house...I dont easily get scared,in fact its scary that I dont fear anything at all.. but these days i make sure i lock my room just before I sleep. A few unsolicited calls in my hotel room in the middle of the night gave me nightmares earlier...I even remember the name of the captain. The last time i felt the same was back home when this guy started making it a routine to follow me everyday after tuition. I told dad hoping him to solve the issue but he simply told me to quit going for classes..I sat on the edge of the bed, feeling repulsed at my weakness..for being a girl. I was 16 at that time. Of course i maneuvered around this tag as well...cut ques, got free entries for movies, clubs etc etc..just recently one of the guy that i worked on the flight was amazed that a passenger whom i spilled red wine(on his crisp white shirt) didnt complained at all. He said if he were the one who did the mishap, the passenger would ve screwed him upside down.I ve never paid any fine for drivin without a license even tho caught on several occassions..lol. bUt i also know that I cant compete with the sheer strength of a man..I learnt instead that loushing na samu fabane..

The past ten days I spent mostly indoors,behind closed doors, all by myself and I realized it could be shocking to find myself doing things i am not proud of. I ate crap,never let the housekeeping come in to change the bedsheets and I kept talking to myself! I wept during commercial breaks when a thought suddenly creeps in..and quickly wiped my tears when the movie continued. I would ve lost my mind if i continued doing what I did. So one morning I woke up early and when to the health club and ran on the treadmill for an hour..rested in the sauna after that. And spent the rest of the afternoon walking alone in huge shopping malls and trying new shoes.

I was in this mexican joint when an american asked me to join him. He lingered for a moment in his subtle persuasion..well, I wanted to be alone & I had ordered tacos(u know its messy with the cheesy dressin droppin off when u eat that) but then i agreed..I hadnt spoken to anyone in days. I forgot most of what we talked about but i noticed he had green eyes that appeared gold near his pupils..and i also noticed that he was staring at my naked shoulder when my shirt slid a bit as i turned to point towards a direction of a shop...After a few awkward conversation n staring at each other i walked off towards my hotel. Perhaps it was better that way. Phone numbers and promises to meet were part of the temporarism of our time. I ve so many numbers that I cudnt put a face to..I m sure its the same with the other person. I could hear the thunder in the distance..it might rain tonight. I keep listening to this song that i cant get rid off, maybe i never tried deleting it. well, I wanted to finish this sketch that i started before my flight but i havent really touched the pencil eversince i got back. 12 hours in a flight could screw one's sense of focus. Its an excuse though coz i d stayed up whole night to start that...

Gosh,its starting to rain..I am debating in my mind whether to go out n get soaked...or not...its 3 in the morning.

Talk about physical exertion..!I Feel like the cat who s got the cream..

If the world ll fall apart in a fiction worthy wind, I wudnt change a thing..

Love is a verb here in my room...here in my room.

Jogged this evenin..is it age catching up or my unhealthy habits that I was panting after the third round.I remember I had this fuel that burnt constantly when i ran earlier..Well, anyway by the time i was in the 11th lapse I felt much better.I loved the sweat & the physical exertion.

I feel a certain restlessness though..perhaps its the events that ll happen tom.i see the futility of my efforts...

An appointment at Raffles boulevard, a few forgettable shops in between n yes, matthias.My keyboard seems to ve froze or is it my fingers?

Jet lagged & hungry.

I got called up for a 7days seoul san fransisco just 5 hours before the reportin.So when I reached seoul the next day i slept off on the sofa of my hotel room.Had a flight the next day to California.11 plus hours...I felt screwed sideways.Anyway,when I finally reached SFO i slept thru out the day n woke up hungry again.So I went down to this fast food joint just outside Parc55.I saw a few blacks screamin out somethin incoherent..think they might be under an influence..A lot of bummers surprisingly.as i passed by n this guy sorta almost came beside me.I hurried..my heart skipped a beat.I had a whole day to myself...so I went out in the mornin..My gosh,the place was so alive...people performin on the streets..tap dancers, violinists..painters..

Well, I shopped!Never blew so much money in my life.Sale in America is so cool.Its a lot better than korea..I got this black tight pant that was size double zero!n the salesboy told me i sud ve a happy smile on my face today..haha.He hasnt seen my ribcage.Shoppin is rescue when u re bored out of ur brains.And i thought I wont buy anything on my way back to seoul...My cargo bag looked as if it wanted to vomit!