I’m thinking of buying this LBD, wear my hair down and see this person whom I’m not suppose to see. But then I thot the year is getting over and I am leaving soon so maybe one more mistake wont make a difference..Is it hope?That quintessential thing that precedes giving up? I know the answer would still be no…but like thay say, when we are in the gutter some of us are looking at the stars! My butt s hurtin, maybe I’ll cushion this chair some more..Amazingly, my depleted account isnt hindering my spendings. When u pay less attention to money, the more u’ll enjoy letting it go. We are young only once anyway..and who knows I may land 6feet under tommorrow. Gosh, no plans for the future..no resolutions yet again but then if I get to fly with SIA I am on a roll this coming year. Rest will be the rest. And after reading Robert Frost’s provide I’m considering not ending up like old Abisag. But I still feel if we hold on to things that we ve in our clenched hands, we won’t feel so bad about not drivin a Gallardo or not being born in hollywood! I ve a gr8 family, an amazing fren who wont give up on me and my skin is as good as ever so I ve nothin to complain about..Happy new year!
I am listening to the corniest manipuri love song that was meant as an answer to my uneasy questions…turnt out to be a lie anyway. Its silly but I cudnt delete it yet so I play it once in a while just to laugh at my actions perhaps. The idea of giving it all or nothing at al…………..6.30! My sis ll wring my neck if she sees the room this way..Upside down..More later

U spend all ur time waiting for that second chance…The word flows thru the tapping of water and I stop midway in the shower..Sarah Maclahlan’s Angel sounds great even till this date. Last time I heard it I was 15…So many things has change since then, my dreams got reshuffled, aspirations marred but then I lived a lot…I’ve travelled alone, ve swam in the greenest of seas, ve stood alone on a cliff in the middle of the night, if I slipped that night I wud ve smashed my face..I wasn’t exactly sober and my frens’ callin out to me sort of dimmed in the roar of the water breakin on the rocks…I was fearful of the height but I ve never felt more alive and young..that nite. I kept tellin myself don’t be too squeamish n timid about ur actions, all life is an experiment..what the fuvk as changed???lol..What followed was a bad record on my marksheets, unremarkable jobs in between, unemployment, sordid love affairs, a sex change..lol..actually, nothing. I haven’t changed at all.

I don’t have the luxury of being a purist…I wake up every morning to this world that’s full of agony. Shunning away from the Tv doesn’t really work coz I still cant help but read newspapers that come to my doorway every morning bringing news of terrorism, crime and violence...n I shift in my bed uncomfortably. The journalist who hurled his shoes to the President is being labeled a Hero by Pakistani media and the like. During dinner my frens wud tell me that India’s silence in regard to the recent attack in Mumbai is the quiet before a storm. Are we on the brink of war? A lot of people are accusing India for not taking any step..Military or otherwise….obviously the diplomatic rhetoric and running to mommy and daddy (US and Britain) ain’t working. The thing is people DIED out there.
I am reading ‘We the living’ by Ayn Rand…The book’s backdrop is that of a war torn Soviet and I wud consider myself lucky for being born in a time without war…my Granma used to tell me stories about their ordeal during the last world war. Mom’s generation was pretty peaceful altho she married a poverty stricken family…And now me. I am not Nostradamus, I can’t perdict but considering the present situation, I am not sure if this era will be War free. This is a different sort of time where people hate each other so much…Bangalore’s traffic for instance, is enuf to summon a road rage that’s alarmingly scary. If somebody accidently touch ur car even a tiny lil’ bit, u’d screamed all ur motherf*** hatred in a gush of derogatory. Nobody listens to Bob M’s love for one another I’d say. I noticed one thing..When the Palestinian came on TV screaming Allah o Akbar out on the street when their homes were burnt down, some of my Muslims frens wud shiver and tell me they feel so violently for them, that their heart reached out to those who lost so much in the despicable horror. So how did all of this really started..The US of A has a reputation of stickin their fingers on any country’s ass…Oil being the agenda. And the bearded fundamentalist followed suit. The Hindus' demolition of Babri Masjid was another mistake. Does it really matter if a temple stood before that? What about the people who were burnt alive in that train? We all look at the bearded guys with strange eyes. Even after 16 years, we spent that fateful day in anticipation whether another terror attack will strike again...We could no longer sit in our living room and ask them to leave us alone…they’ll crawl right back to us. I had to write this. It has been culled out of me. What next? Peace process with Pakistan has been put on hold…Pakistanis media laughs on our own distrust of the Indian police. Our PM’s dependency on the bureaucrats let those on high commands go scot-free even after the fiasco. India requests US and Pakistan to take action n shamelessly tells us that life must go on with its timid bit of ‘asking for the LeT leader to be handed’ being the only so called action they've taken so far, Not reassuring I must say. Should we all start carrying guns like those in Afghanistan to protect ourselves? Ratan Tata, who owns the Taj groups has declared he’ll have his own set-up to counter terror. Our police are incompetent. Funny thing I see a lot of police guarding our night clubs here…Lol..we call ‘em our moral police…Pretty busy scaling up and down all the girls in short skirts. I remembered Sharon Stone being badmouthed by the Chinese media for saying that it was Karma that many Chinese died in the recent quake. Hmm...y am I writing about Sharon? Got distracted…oh yeah, the Tibetan refugees……
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… n the vicious cycle continues….

As if the north wind blew again..beckonin me to leave. I ve a flight this sat. Tired of reasonin with those around on why i sudnt go, why I must write the test, visit the doc etc etc..And then I thot of all the reasons that made me get the ticket in the 1st place..I get bloody mental in this place..

I knocked down a bottle of Merlot last nite and I realized the wine was getting over only when its residue stayed on my mouth. When I smiled I had wine stained teeth. I woke up feelin sore…Slept at 5 in the mornin…In a haze of thoughts…incoherent mostly and yet I felt as if it was beating inside me like a second heart, refusing to leave me..And I panicked. I prayed an Atheist’s prayer for morning to come. Mmm, I guess I went overboard in my secret plot to buy a gun and hence I stayed up allnite with smacking lips n brimming eyes..Lol..Like a psychopath who is hungry for fire and brimstone.

Sunday morning. I was dragged out of the house for a morning walk.. I was glad later on coz we played in the soft drizzle and on the greenest grass of all. The view was breathtaking…birds,trees,a lake. And we acted like kids…Roby even taught us to do Yoga which was a disaster coz he forgot the next step midway while we were aiming our butts towards heaven..lol. A trip to the Banerghatta National Park was cancelled coz my sis wanted to shop instead. So we headed to Oasis…we were left gapin at the price tags..lol. There are sum of us who look really good in Fcuk and sisley. I look better in a 150Baht tank tops and shorts..Hah!

SaturdayNite. Bangalore’s Bars are real slow. No Dance Floors, an 11.30pm Ban and the No Smoking Labels everywhere. 4 of us drove to brigades to shop instead…Springfield and Benetton. And I found a new place that’s got Blacks on every hanger! I love Blacks. The place had the shortest of skirts and tightest of pants. I was gonna go there again…Roby got a Fat raise in his Salary so he wanted to pick the tab for whatever we ate..lol. But then we waited for a lousy 20mins to get a place to dine at Dominos. The assholes just wudnt leave even tho they were thru.
There was a rally goin on that nite…to protest the recent hit in Mumbai. It reminded me of that guy who screamed ‘…Everybody knows things are bad..Things are crazy, punks are running in the street, Homicides n violent crimes evrywhere..Nobody knows what to do, we don’t go out anymore, We live in our livingroom n we say please leave us alone, lemme have my toasters n my Tv, I woudnt say anything. Just leave us alone. Well, I am NOT gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad. I want you to say I am a Human Being God Damnit, my life has value!’ You’ll see this guy in ZeitGeist and a coupla videos of sum rock bands..System of a Down for one. Watch Zeitgeist I say.

It might rain again..Maybe I'll finish the eulogy.The weather is rather encouraging..Its dark and windy..gives a desolated view from the terrace.Or maybe I'll go out in the rain wearing smudged eyeshades and unruly hair..And Ve an ice cream. Maybe I'll go vist a grave I know. Or maybe I'll go see a face. Have you ever wondered why rockers screams so much, bang their guitars and totally act epileptic? Are there some feelings that cud only be expressed when u scream out? The rings feel tight on my index. I hate wearing metals, no ring, no chain no peircings...If I cud, I'd wear no clothes either. But Its my Granma's heirloom...The only thing that reminds me that she existed once. She had one tooth and she smiles so sweetly. Why is it that only good people die? I know one person whom I wish wud die..chases away evry bit of sanity in me,these thoughts..If it does happen will it hurt more than it does now? Will All these things that I hold inside die too?The phone rang...A summon from my brother to cum pay him for his attendance shortage. His exam is the day after. Hmm..will feel blackand blue when i drag myself out of this room.

Romancing the stone.I got this ring once. I didnt accept it becoz I didnt want to get married just yet n becoz he used the word..'forever'. Thot It took the romance out of the moment by trying to make it last forever. The idea of marrying is harrowing enuf..well, mom is serious I settle down soon...n there is a man who waited 8years for me. He still is. And I ask him once 'what If i say yes n spoil ur 8yrs love story?What if u found out I am just not the person on the pedestal that he had imagined i was?He totally wanted to strangle me..lol. I guess he understood what I meant...He is in love with the wait. Not me. Of course we both did evrythin to ignore it.

Waakhal na ama..I started writing an eulogy for this person who is still kicking...n I stopped midway thinkin it might be offending if the person finds out. Anyway, I know this guy who is contesting election next Feb..n he told me how a CM of a state earns. Charge 10% for any sate project and by the time ur term gets over u'll ve stocked 30,000Cr easily. Seems like ur short cut to get an 18 lacs a nite presidential suite at the Palm Jumeirah in Dubai.That is the kinda money even footballers dont get.. I think we sud all enter politics now..Lol. As long as its not in the state of Manipur..The line Get rich or die tryin might not be consolation when u get to taste bullets here..Thats Manipur.

I think we all waisted 17 years of our lives in school..I wish I was out there in the fields instead.. they hypnotized all of usfrom doin somethin that we loved doin..worse, from knowing.. It seems to ve defined our future identities..I am a Management grauduate! Maybe I m just unable to reconcile myself with it..The newspapers has nothin new...same old financial meltdown,govt's capital injection to rescue banks n the Li Lo-Samantha Ronson cat fight..waste of newsprint.Well, read abt this all-girl rock band call accolade..which is a big thing coz its Saudia Arabia's first of its kind.They dont perform in public or use their fotos in the album..else a Fuckin Fatwa might be issued..I wonder wot wud they sing abt?About blowing urself to Kingdom come? Manipur is just as bad, sum of us dont paint our house for fear of the money extortionists..shops are closed for months coz they cant deal with the constant demands..No jobs, bad roads,bad evrything and I'mstill planning to go there again. Dont ask me why. Its has nuthin to do with love of my motherland..I am listenin to Kinks's Death of a clown n Sunny Afternoon from the 'Last Of The Steam Powered Trains'......Some music.

The only dream worth having is to dream that you will
live while you are alive, and die only when you are
dead.To love, to be loved. To never forget your own
insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable
violence and vulgar disparity of the life around you.
To seek joy in the saddest places.
To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is
complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect
strength, never power. Above all to watch. To try to
understand. To never look away.
And never, never to forget.
Arundhati Roy.

Watched a chinese horror flick alone last nite. It was 1am by the time it got over. My sis was watchin earlier with me untill shesaw one scene, screamed and left the room. The horror of menstruating twice a month plus the PMS was worse than seein ghosts and gore. To add to my discomfort I got an eye infection thats makin me look like a victim in one of Quentin Tanrantino's movie. This is not the best time of the year with winter approachin and its rainin! Talk about depression!There s a bottle of water waiting for me to gulp down...One of my sis's standin order..To counter toxins that I accumulated over the years..Lol.I know water is a great thing, I just hate drinkin it..I tried mixing it with fruit flavours or buy cartons of Tropicanas to deal with it. Perhaps the only time I like water is when I wake up with a bad hangover..It taste really good at that time. Anyway, a fren suggested that i pour it in a vino glass and sip it when I am doin a puzzle or readin..seems to work a bit.I am trying to straighten my habits a lil, I even gained 4pounds which is a huge achievement..I didnt mind bein called a somalianrefugee earlier but then it started to get on my skin when I had to hear that from everyone...Everyone.Even during a recent interview, at the kebaya round I was told that I was quite skinny. I didnt know how to react. Maybe I shouldnt give a fuck..I knowall my frens envy my flat stomach considering the shit load of junks i eat..Lol.
But I stopped my toblerone and Triple distilled vodka diet..I was bloody skinny. I ve a few novels to finish b4 I leave..cant carry all these fat books ..Dostoevsky's The brother Karamazov for one. Guaranteed to put me to sleep soon enuf, yet I still choose these sort of literary craps over the more eloquent Helen Fielding or the annoyingly popular Harry fucking Potter series...The NY bestsellers lists are just as bad..Strange thing..books..one becomes too opinionated or wiser, supposedly.I ve no one in my circle who reads..apart from my Estha n Dad..He reads Guy de Maupassant for christ's sake..well how does one decide which book to read n which to avoid?Go by Man Booker's nominees?Pulitzer, the best seller's etc etc..I dont know..sumtimes I just go with the cover. Sumtimes people who seems nice turn out to be actually nice, like tomatoes that looks juicy n red from outside are juicy inside as well..is there any other way to judge?Lol..think its rather shallow not to judge by appearances. As for immoral or moral books, I quite agree with Oscar wilde..That books are either well written or badly written,there is no such thing as a moral book.

Paul's birthday today. My sis is askin me to suggest a place to dine out. I just woke up...still hoarse from sleep, I told her I’ll think abt a spot and let her know. Strange thing, sleep..confusin it to reality, I talk to myself in my dream, I saw people i knew in my past..walkin together, doin sumthin seemingly purposeful. I was amenable to them. When I finally woke up, i had this sinking feeling..must be a fool for wishin I didnt wake up at all..lit myself a smoke and i stared at the chores ahead..the room is a mess, I ve a broken Budweiser in the freezer and a mount of washed clothes to fold, to iron.
Got a call past midnite last nite..no words. It rang again and this time i heard the voice n I flinched. Looser. I wrote later that it was the most despicable person in this world. Why do I need this hatred to heal?? Does it mean I am too weak, too human oh Prometheus? lol. Does any frenship end in a good way? If it does, perhaps its not over yet..as if we said goodbye only in words.
I am leaving this city for good, I ve a German 1st level to pass and I am thru here..It’s a diff matter that I havent touched the book. Yet. Well, I’ll make a to do list for this week b4 I board the flight home. Visit the cemetery, read german, buy formal shoes, stock on necessities..Cigarettes, sanitary pads etc etc, get a jacket and a skirt,buy no vodkas..I ve miles to go before I drink. I ve miles to go before I drink...lol.

How can you stand not knowing what you want?

Howard Roark

Found out that they invented an eco friendly alcoholic beverage!What can be a height of a boozer to reflect his eco-friendly attitude? Holding green vodka!Lol..Green or blue it certainly didnt go very well the last i had it..I was haunted by jeerings the next day..I sang in my nasal voice and i even demanded an applause from my frens!Caught on camera, much to my dismay. I am told that I was carried 4flights of stairs, jees. I blame it on the ban that I imposed on myself in relation to the pre employment meds.

One in the morn' and I m listening to Kt Tunstall's Gone to the Dogs..It reminds me of a face. How many songs has it been? Wish I cud just call it a day here and drift off to sleep. Everyone else seems to do it so easily.
Went to the general physician this afternoon..Felt that the doc sorta wanted me to talk,so i just continued to look at her blankly. She then suggested that i see the in house shrink if i wasnt willin to talk rite now..she even mentioned settlin down n blah blah...i see the point.
My feet s aching, perhaps it wasnt a good idea to go to commercial St wearin a 3 inc sandal..

Learnt 2 things today...1. There is a dog collar belt out there that repels flea and 2. Gycoma is an eye infection, a bad one. My younger bro got a pug with one blind eye n he is stugglin to keep the other,the vet says there is a thin chance. But he was gonna keep it no matter what. The dog was bloody cute. .I saw this canine wanking himself coz he got real horny..Lol. Felt a tightening in my chest as I left his place…I know animals ve better instincts than us but I really wanted him to ve his other eye ok…just so he wont bang himself on the walls.He named the pug ‘kaka’ after the football player. I reduced smoking drastically…to 4sticks a day. Was it because of Robbie’s decision to quit it altogether…Or perhaps I dont enjoy lighting up anymore. There was nothing like a slow drag after a long day, alone in bed with the lights out…For peace and quiet it was unbeatable. Kept thinking about Zeitgeist, the documentary…there were a lot of things in it that we werent included in our books back in school. About religion, wars or the banking cartels.

If this is giving up, then I'm giving up... Anna Nalick's Wreck of the Day is playin on the Ipod. Is it the cheap coincidence of the words that made me reach out to play Incubus's vitamin instead. I prefer loud distortions to love sick songs...Its silly when i think of all those songs I listened to after I broke up last time...Daisy,REM's Everybody hurts...James Blunt's U r beautiful..lol..pussy! Just got back from the Lab where I gave the medical test...Even till this date, I feel shy...think I frustrated the technician there coz I hung a lil too longer to my tshirt b4 i could open up for the ECG. A fren of mine got ditched by her beau lately.. Needles to say she was in pain..I listened to her but offered no words..no consolations..perhaps i knew its futile coz nothin wud sink in her head at this time.. She said she wanted to run away..to smoke..to grieve. Hmm...I am not a sensible person in this matter to advise anyone..The last time I felt a jolt like that, I went to beat that person up...lol..i knew if i had a gun i'd empty all the bullets on that person.
Is it possible to hate someone in the same intensity as u'd love him?

Was gonna go for the Great Indian Rock Concert yesterday..Satyricon..A Norwegian Band was performing among others. My bro n rob bailed out, said Quantum of Solace was a better option. I remembered the last time I was at Palace G where Aerosmith performed last yr. Amongst thousands of male rock fans I was sandwiched for 3 and half hrs,had to bear it coz my ticket was Red entry(=closer to the stage) n I cud only leave losin my spot. So I stayed amidst body odors n dust...James Bond it is..