Sleep never came in so easily. Its 6.20 in the morning.Again.

Thought i might as well eat breakfast and sleep so I went to the fridge to look for the carton of milk. Chose the dark grapes instead.turn out to be with seeds, shit.Two sticks left of a pack.Gosh, am i rushing myself to my deadbed? I looked at the pack n learnt that its spelt as c-i-g-a-r-e-t-t-e  and not with a 'gg' in it, n i ve been smoking for ages..lol!  

Think I got paid..I thought the salary wud at least cheer me up.. 

I thot i sniffed the scent of my own hair as i got up to close the curtains..How was i earlier? Comin out of the shower, gettin ready to go out..he told me once that i'll never look as beautiful as i was on that day.Nothing makes sense these days..Perhaps when mom calls me on the phone,i see a glimpse of reality thru her voice..the rest of the time, its an overcast of nothingness. I feel empty. 

I almost went ahead to email this person long dead..

To say that I felt perfect with you once..

Think the scar is still there altho i dont remember how the pain felt like.How was it really?did my pillows stained with my tears...did i cringed as i let it go?I dont remember..It does feel like a dream, remembering only bits & pieces when u wake up the next day..half conscious, half lost in oblivion.

This so call 'arrangement' that I have with the stranger is so crystal clear..that we only chew what we can swallow. Nothing more, nothing less...It was my terms, my conditions..It rained again and I stood by the window and thought of this forest in Hamburg...

The phone seems to be dead.Then I remembered my own words'..dont text me when u re in germany, I need this silence..'Oh yeA, i did say that..Now that I think of it, i do like this silence..its a lil heavy to carry when your conscience sets in.Why cant I take it casually?Enjoy the moment while it last...I guess I know the answer already..That its not real.Its never gonna stay in my hand no matter how tight i clench my fist.It ll slip away, silently in the night.I felt this tightening in my chest..I told  myself lightning cant hit in the same place twice.

Have I found you?Flightless bird...

Jealous, weeping or lost you..

The calendar says its 23rd of july..Shit,its cheng's birthday..Lost track of time & dates. I am so dependent on my phone to even remember which part of the world am I.I actually stayed up to wish her but it must be 6 in the mornin in india. I am on standby, I might get called up for any shitty flight that they assigned me. I stayed up all night to sketch a face. I was so aware of the fact that my hands werent as awake as my heart was..

I ran today in the rain..my cheap jogging shoes were actually comfortable.I pushed myself untill i was breathless.Where m I.Singapore yes.

So much has changed since i last wrote anything here. I got what i asked for..a job that lets me travel every alternate days..I got the whitest of bedsheets, been to america for the strip clubs,tasted amsterdam's weeds..what else did I wanted? I forgot. 

The latest news is i m unable to store anything new in my head..I smoke half a pack A day,jet lag is my lover in bed and i dont recognise people i cared before.I do know that I am miles away from them...from home, from all that I held precious..its morning already.I have learnt something though..I look each day in its eye.