I read in the paper that a human eye can differentiate 500 shades of grey.
I wonder if it also means that we can understand the ambiguities of many things..
I hate ambiguities..
I guess it more often the last key in the Bunch that opens the door..

A Photograph by Erik Johansson.

I bought a book by the title Annus Bisextus, the name amused me and yea, I know how it sounds like. But as it turns out it means "leap Year" in Latin. Buh..Can't trust anything by the cover these days..

I shift from a Liberal mindframe to unoriginal to quaint and back. For instance, I don't think kissing is cheating, But I also don't agree that it isn't cheating if I don't enjoy it..

To separate the physical from the thought is something I can't do.. Thats when I cease to be open..

I went to the same spot where I usually sit and it does feel like my stairway to heaven. The view is just as beautiful as the first time I saw it when I was 18. A vast horizon of water under the red sun. Feels more like me here..not living a 'Leben der anderen'. I'll go back to shabby chez radha..

Naaley...

Aimlessly wandering from airports to airports, one hotel room to another to my shithole in Singapore..I'll find peace in your arms..my lover, my brother, my friend..

I'll wait for 23rd september to come. Like mecca to a muslim, scent to a moonflower, a dream to a drifter.. we'll meet each other halfway somewhere in a crowded busstop in India. We'll save enough to last us months..I'll take you to Manipur and we'll cross the border to Burma, we'll head off to Rishikesh and to the foothills of the Himalayas..And I'll show how to brush your teeth on a running train..We'll eat on the streets, sit with beggars and look at 70 year olds and say thats a beautiful age. And yes, we'll shit together someday, out in the open fields..

I'll bring my smile along.

It isn't nice to hang in between..I am in the middle of South India, waiting for my flight..I just don't know where to head to. I am more than tempted to go to Goa, get stone happy by the seaside and never go back to Singapore. And whoever I ve known there..

I'm on a vegan diet, I am amusing myself to go celibate as well (for a couple of months at least)..Got inspired sitting outside an airport looking at the red sinking sun on a smoky-polluted Indian sky.

I cant touch or feel that pain anymore..I guess Time eased the crease. I prayed & begged every night for endless months to wake up one day when I will forget him..its amazing I can't even recall his face..Who said God didn't exist?

Oh Yes, the eulogy.. Well, I went one night to say Goodbye and at that moment I felt the weight of 'letting go'.. I was loosing a person that I loved, not clothes, not things..a real person. It was like burying a dead..

'Forever' never felt so real until then. Where am I heading to? I ve a plane to catch..

I went in the water again..3 in the morning..

For one, it scares the shit out of me and I ve let it come in my mouth, my eyes and my ears but then it takes me where I wanna be...somewhere unreal.

I went out on my own earlier this evening..for a change..went to Cottons on, bought a Khaki shirt, a sweater, a black tank top and running pants. Bought myself a huge cup of yoghurt as well, my only source of energy these days..and I got stalked by a creepy boy who kept asking for my name and I told him 'I dont do this'..Came home to find a package outside my door..Flowers & soft toys and strawberries. Another guy I am avoiding.

Think I ll keep the strawberry...the nearest convenient store is a kilometer away!

Bought a cream for my lips..It still fucking hurts when I'm eating or drinking something.

Jo is in love with a guy who is 49 and she is lost..Married with two kids. I told her she doesn't stand a chance, she is what, 23? and men at that age wants to find out whether he s still fuckable but He'll fall back to his wife after the heat s gone..she s complicating her own perfect life, told her to run a mile away while she can and I knew I was lying all along.

Would you live a lifetime, safe in your cocoon without knowing love or burn yourself into that fire for one moment of pure beauty? I look at myself in the mirror and I am parched! ..I don't even care if I don't get to see him again. I don't care if he turns out to be an asshole, a coward, a runner, a Ryan Bingham crap or whatever..

I saw and felt it..this heaven or hell. And I will always be that moth circling the flame..

As long as I feel something, even if its pain..

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.

You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, .. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is... A group of people that miss the same imaginary place"

Know.

Think.

And act on it. Don't stall.

I've a few things to do before I go to India tomorrow. Sigh..My lips looks bad..

I've decided to carry on living. Deleted phone numbers..all of it, for my sake..coz I keep wanting to write something and I wasn't exactly looking for a reply which seems like a formal text..I wouldn't be surprised if I get a 'with reference to ur last text' on the subject line. Fuck you.

I am gonna go to Liang court, run for half an hour after that and go soak my restlessness in the water. Johnathan said I suffer from ADHD last night coz I kept wriggling from Sanctuary to Mulligans to Mr Bean's to another pub by the riverside in less than 2 hours. He suggested maybe I should try outdoor trekking or biking. Maybe I should go fuck myself..

This is the thing with my life, I get almost everything but in halves.. Even a win comes with a shade of losing.

Lets write something nicer you & I..Hmm?

I learnt how to step out of my own skin and pretend that I'm someone else..like for instance, when I am working I am this person with a smile, In my room I am Virginia wolf, with my frens I am the girl who is game for anything..esp, another tequila shots, with dean I am a girl next door whom you can ask for sugar..With you, I am me.

I flew to Beijing with this girl call cheryl, 24 yrs old, sweet & innocent..she screwed up big time on the flight, didnt know what was what, she couldnt even open her seatbelt. So I wrote her a step by step service procedures that somebody else did for me when I was new..We also went to the Forbidden City together and I waited patiently as she ate slowly..listened to all her grievances and her stories..She'll learn. Hugged her in the taxi and I said goodbye..she told me she'll never forget me and she was about to cry & I quickly stepped out. All the while thinking, its just a matter of time that she will..our job is such. I wouldnt even remember where I flew before Beijing let alone recall whom I flew with.

I told her to go out with her mom, go for a nice dinner and not to think about this flight..I also told her not to tell her mom about what she went thru..Why did I say that? Why did I ask her to do what I did..not tell my mom about anything that I came out of...mean chinese fuckers who... Well, I acted as If I was having a great time traveling while I came back feeling gangraped from each flight. I don't hate my job, I hate the crews sometimes.. I needed this job to prove me that I will stop my drug-chasing, Nimhans-friendly lifestyle that I had earlier... I was harming evryone around me. I used to feed R some pills and we used to get so drunk & high & I drove his car like marvin! I made Ash do evrything I did..

I think I kinda slowed down after that incident in Manipur..And I applied for a job, to get out of India..I think it helped evryone else that I left..well, thats comforting!

And Evryone believed it that I cleaned up well. Almost evryone..

I am suppose to write something nice. I found a new swiss premium flavour..Pink Grapefruit and it taste beautiful. And I did 3 lapses on the pool. Cleaned my room, finished long due chores and I am getting better.

I kept waking up every other hour. I have a flight to Beijing this afternoon.

Pack. Bath. Drink water.

Its starting to rain and my room is bloody cold. I lost the AC remote..I don't know me anymore.

Perhaps, I'll start on a clean slate. Learn. Swim. Eat healthy. Run. Read. Look more inwards than on the outsides. Accept that people are forces different than mine, they've a mind of their own, their own agendas, their moments. And I've mine.

Plan a day ahead.

Live Conscientiously.

Expect nothing.

Well, I'll go to Beijing, sleep when I land there and I soak on the tub and look outside the city and I'll come back..It all feels so trivial..Living like this. When did I get my period last? I must seriously start updating my Calender..and stop this madness of wanting my body to change. My friends said last night that most girls would be eager to have what I have and I don't even diet..He was complaining that girls have it so easy..at a job interview, at a que, all we ve to do is wear a skirt and half the battle is won. He was pointing at a group of guys and said, just look at that, look at their women beisdes them..they wanna be here on this table, they were staring at you when you walked in..Like some sick joke he added girls like me are the reason why men wud leave their wives and I stared at him.. Does he know..or was it some weird coincidence. I went out to light up a smoke and wish I didn't have to listen to that. I am not this. But I am also so empty.. Oh fuck, what did I turn out to be..

What do I lack that I settled for this..

I ended up late night at the beach, sat with my knees to my chin looking at the waves. Looked above every time a plane took off. Instinctively..

You know, our brain is so powerful that when we tell our mind to wake up at a particular hour you won't need a alarm clock..it doesn't forget much if you learn how to associate one event after another. Locating a misplaced key for instance is easier to figure out if you remember what you did & when you did it. I usually loose things. I loose my mind sometimes. Singaporeans are so good at organizing, extremely efficient & they re avid followers of SOPs..Standard operating procedures. My company runs with robotic SOP operators, anything out of the norms and they sweat their armpits. Indians on the other hand are terrible when it comes to rules..I hung with a couple of locals, some works in the police force, some are engineers and I realized how different I am from them.

Come May 2011 and I wouldn't know where I'd be..This job isn't so bad, especially the lifestyle that it gives us..We work our way up, end up in a hotel room and all we do is party or shop. Its not that it pays well but it puts us right there without making an effort of calling your frens & acquaintance for a night out..

I think I'm writing all the things that I don't wanna write..

I was full on today to do this & that..strike off from my to-do lists and I realized how everything I did was related to him. And I ended up doing nothing at all after reading the texts. I took my clothes off and when to the pool instead...

Kept thinking if I wanna do this for the rest of my life.

I came back from Bali, slept for bit and I sent a text asking him to see me for half an hour. 20mins exactly coz the taxi driver drove so slowly as he spoke..about family, how I'll never go wrong if I uphold my family and choose to do what is right for them, no matter how bitter it felt at the moment. He kept saying we're asians and I hated how it sounded, how he would put the europeans in contrast. I wanted to believe that we were the same..that love runs just as deep in his veins.

My family is dysfunctional..

He keeps leaving.

Children show it off like medals,lovers use it as secrets to unravel..a scar is what happens when words re made flesh.

Sijina left for India..for good. I told her earlier that I'm not gonna be a fool to cry..we laughed, joked about excess baggage, how Indians always travel with excess baggage and shared a meal, she ate her fav Mcspicy burger for the last time.. before she hugged me to say bye..She had lost so much weight, she felt almost frail as i hugged her back. And she said in my ears that it was a pleasure to have known me and that she would miss me. A lot.I wanted to tell her to shut up, wanted to say this isn't goodbye but then it slowly sank in me that it was. She asked me to leave before she went in & I told her not to look at my face and that I won't turn back. Distance and time so effectively end ties..

I was hanging on a thread the whole day..Immigration and a goodbye wave earlier that morning and I was gloomy. I stood behind the glass wall and I stared at the tall frame and I thought I am letting myself get hurt again. I have seen you leave over & over again and every time it feels like a deep cut..to just stand there watching you go. I guess those who leaves has it easier than those who stayed behind.. I must ve had a heart made of stone to endure this.

Alcohol has a way of washing off your heartache as you give in to it's numbness. With that I started sorting papers, stacking it, throwing old clothes and shoes and packed one and a half year of living in my old room, to a few boxes. I found letters, birthday cards and I kept some, stealing a few memories from life's suitcase..change does feel like new shoes, it always bite on your skin. I hate the light in this room but having a pool & a gym wouldn't be so bad. I had a gloomy feeling as I entered, I missed my old room, missed the trees that sways on a rainy day.. lit up a smoke and unpacked my bags and embraced this fucking room as my new home.

Dean told me I looked like I just saw a hurricane & he did evrything to cheer me up..He is a short fella with oldfashioned hairstyle & as if I was a kid needing a candy, he came to pick me up on a jaguar. I had a coupla drinks and I found myself talking to a few old timers at Georges and I started smiling again. Smoked outside with a woman of scottish & chinese origin and we were talking about (yet again) my nationality..she came up with an outrageous 'you look spanish'..Said goodnight and I came back, sat by the pool, smoked and made some frens who told me to join them for a drink this weekend.

One way or the other, we have to wriggle our way out... There is no such thing in life as permanence. Moving is living.

A bad hangover to start with..

And I went to a coffee shop.

I dread people asking me where do I come from..

India??What the..

Yes,I am Indian.

Are you sure? Ask your dad..

Excuse me?

Haha..Just kidding!!

You look Indonesian, Malay maybe, perhaps Pinoi or maybe a eurasian coz of ur accent.

I am Indian.

I've never wanted to prove I am Indian, but I end up trying to do it. Even in India.

I am so bad with my packing, I never check the weather condition in advance and as it turns out, i under packed. Just had a thin hooded jacket with me and it started drizzling..so I got myself another jacket. I got 4 already which I don't wear. The more I hang out with a set of crew, the more I get annoyed by their english & their way of cutting all the verbs & prepositions..I am not much of a grammar person but I get too totally lost at times. Belinda is the only exception, the only singaporean I love coz she is genuinely a nice person and she makes me laugh. The rest of them I bear it & I think they bear me too..

She is gonna pick me up when I land in Singapore & I'm beginning to wonder if I have really become too submissive. But gosh, she is persuasive..I am barely trying to get used to being with a woman and she went ahead and invited me to a family dinner. She said 'please' and i said 'I will not move in with you' for a dozen times. Even if I've to pay half my salary in a crappy place. Sijina is against me hanging out with her & rightly so, and yet I am doing it even after what happened. I worry about something..I see her vulnerability. You notice those things that people do when they re unsure about the other person's feelings. Phone numbers re at their fingertips, you know what they like to eat, you automatically check the timezones the other person would be in etc etc..She s gonna wake up at 5, brush, bath n drive all the way down from Dempsey. For what? For illogical reasons..

I miss his face, I wonder if I would really change after 3 years..feeling tied down to proving that I wont change. I hate the word '3 years', it kinda stuck in my head..wish he would stop behaving so 'mature' and would show me his more boyish side..of wanting a reassurance every now & then, like I do..I am more often than not the one who don't stir even when a boy does a A la bollywood style punch-the-wall or when I see them cry like a baby. Its much easier if you choose the guy who loves you more than the other way round. Every female species chooses..Birds, monkeys, donkeys..We are born choosy. Perhaps more becoz we want a father who can keep a nest. I never thot in these terms earlier.. Gosh, look at me..I am as restless as ever, keep flirting & drinking and do all the things that a teen does growing up.And I m not 18..I can't wait to be 28. To feel 28..

I can't wait to become that woman with a child..everyone says I'll be a great mother even if i suck at being a wife. I think I could be a great girlfriend.

Lets sing about madness, you & I..

When my mind gets consumed by an obsession so intense, the words that come out from my mouth are vile..I provoke for a reaction, I'm poised for violence..

The only thing that I could see or feel is the urgency in my loins. I get blind, I get vengeful, I want to hurt and get hurt..

G l y c e r i n e

To break a building down takes more effort than it does to build one.

Trying to straighten things up is even more harder..

I wonder why some of us still carry on with shreds of a long gone relationship. In a semi-detached sort of way..To still live with an ex lover, no love in between & yet too meek to break off completely. Reason as they put it: its still there in some obscure corner of your psyche, some memories, some goodness, some love maybe.. Stefano does that with a style.

Probably when we turn 50, we ve got to face our fears and show all the cards we ve got. Nisha hates me when I try to confront what really goes underneath that quiet exterior. Or was I trying to test if she was as appealingly traditional as she puts up in front of me. She looked earthy and beautiful wearing just her mascara & I thot it was endearing when she probed to check if I could really swing both ways and I blew it when I said I like to feel it hard and rearing in me. I was so into him the whole of the evening that I blurted it out. She left the moment I finished the sentence. I didn't stop her..

Gulped down the last remaining champagne that I had in my glass and I headed off in the opposite direction. I wished I lied, only so as not to spoil our conversation but it was loud as hell at Indochine at the CQ & I only noticed all the fake fuckeries that men & women do. I felt embittered and I was in no mood to act nice. Baby, please be gentle, I am still learning all the things that men & women past 30 does...Been-there-done-that haughty tilt of their nose. The same disapproving look on their face..

I have no idea what am I writing about.

Rome was fascinating, It was unbearably hot & bright and none of us slept after doing a 12hrs flight and I had been awake for about 20 hrs and yet we headed off for a tour right after we touched the Roman soil. I especially liked the Colosseum and of course the Vatican City was awesome! The elaborate paintings on the walls, the space inside and the feel of St Peter's was great.

And I have never been hit on by so many men in one day! It didnt happen the first day I wore a jean & a hooded black shirt (well, it was hot as hell but I was gonna go to the church & I heard they wont let us in if I am scantily dressed) The next day I thot, the hell with it so I went in my brown Marciano dress) Italian men are so good at tryin their luck.. random guys on the streets, waiters, locals askin us for direction just so to start a conversation, to restaurants owners where we ate! I asked that owner if they sell cigarettes in his restaurant and he took off on his bike to get me 2 packs. Free!

I did enjoy Italy & I think I needed a breather from my suffocating depression that I was goin thru..And I went for this flight only to get a bottle of Barolo..I was in no mood to fly after I went to east coast the same afternoon and sat at the beach staring at the distance...I saw couples sitting together, some of them would look at opposite directions and it occur to me I d rather not stay in with a guy if it meant we would one day do the same..eat in silence, sit afar, and all the things that people who fell out of love does..I thot of having two separate places to live in just so I could have 2-3 hrs of pure passionate meetings...every week or maybe in a month. Weird reasoning. I am such a sucker for momentary fireworks..I need to wake up. Maybe I am bullshitting.

Boynao showed me this scene from Taxi Driver and he says when he needs to get his act together he watch the scene and it works.

June twenty-ninth. I gotta get in shape. Too much sitting has ruined my body. Too much abuse has gone on for too long. From now on there will be 50 pushups each morning, 50 pullups. There will be no more pills, no more bad food, no more destroyers of my body. From now on will be total organization. Every muscle must be tight.

Frantically rushed to the Airport.

Uninhibited glances from male eyes made me uncomfortable and I looked at what I was wearing..a black dress and a light blue, half length sweater. And I told myself 'i look decent so I shouldn't give a fly' ass!

Then headed to the Skypark just to show around. And the weather was pleasant so... Went to a Tapas Bar at Clarke Quay and we spoke for a bit after dinner.

I love sitting by the river just outside of Clarke Quay & stare at the reflection of the colorful lights on the water..listen to the music from bars & clubs closeby and people screaming from the swing.

The soft breeze played with my hair and cooled my face,it also created tiny ripples on the water and the lights amplified the effect it had on me...and at that moment life felt really good. I am young & healthy. And I am in love.

Maybe its just a gamble, maybe I d loose it all..Time, youth, blood relations, job, security and all the things that my frens say is important to sustain a secure future and which I try to soak in & couldn't. Sijina is so happy with her decisions, getting engaged to a man her parents chosed for her, quitting SQ, leaving this place forever and She'd asked me to do the same..Decide. Decide? If only I could come out of this paralysis that his name has developed in me..Maybe I want to loose it all. For one look of your face, one touch of your skin..

I am shifting from this house soon, throwing old clothes & shoes thats attached to a shred of memory that I treasured..things my sis got for me, some which mom sent me from Manipur & some that wudn't even fit me and I sat on the floor and I looked at it..

Yes, its fuckin hard to let go..How could I expect anyone to seal 13 years of its life with one kiss from my lips..Forgive me.

I was blind.

I wonder how much more will it costs us. How much more conscience will we have to swallow, what if in the end it turn out to be just a fling? I don't feel like writing you an email or to talk to you or to meet you when I am like this. And don't ask me why..

But it does feel a lot more than just a fling. A lot more.

Spoke to my brother,He is a yr younger to me & I treated him like my own son since we were kids and I wanted to be the one who showed him right & wrongs..responsible and shit! Buh! tonight I ended up telling him what I went thru. And I said I wish you were here and I love you. Leaned towards the table to grab a smoke and I felt this tears on my sideburns. Ignored it. Told myself I look better when I am cocky..not like this.

Chaak laame ema, ei halaknginge yumda..nangi nanaakta. Nangi hingjang sembada yaonginge..arembada loina taakhidoi maale eina sida leibagi, nangna thuna hanukhradi. Eigi enakta adum leiyuko..

I was in Moscow outside the Red Square, loitering around at the souvenir shops where they had those Russian dolls in different shapes & design.. Well, I saw one in white & blue which was pretty except that thot it could be well, made in china! Thats the thing about originality these days..you get everything everywhere. Very conveniently. Gustav Klimt's Kiss was on plates & everything and then I saw Adele Bloch Bauer on a jewelry box.. Can't miss that one coz it bagged a staggering 135 Million for that painting and becoz I was into Alex Gray then and both of these artists use eyes & colors that makes their art very catchy. Gustav of course is Gustav..sexuality is his theme, color & ornamentation his voice..

I especially liked Judith becoz of the Holofernes's head she was holding in her hands..I don't like women with longer face even with that powerful gaze but then again, dark is beautiful. And she s got small breast!

Fate leads the willing & drags the unwilling.

What works for me sometimes is to take a cold shower and change into something comfortable and I go out..To either go for a walk, take the dog or just go meet some frens. Works evrytime i wanna shed bad energies from within..And have a source of income just so I cud act responsible. Yea, this is it..

This is it for today..One step at a time. I m relearning how to walk and I ll stand up soon.

I slept fleetingly for an hour or two after I spent the whole morning outside..It goes without saying that I spent the previous night awake too. I remembered reading the Count of Monte Cristo where he makes a toast to the boy and says 'Do your worst, for I will do mine..'

Made me smile.. Yea, life does feel a lot like a storm right now, we bask in the sun one moment and shattered on the rocks the next..Well, I ll do my worst..

I ran for almost an hour to clear my head..The sea looked almost beautiful..the greenish water..I am just not in a state to appreciate beauty. Nothing seems to be..I ran back to my block.

I am going to the skypark tonight..I like heights nowadays.

I met this woman, 32 yrs old single & gay, on friday the 13th :) she cut herself once..saw her scars and as I touched it I wondered why people do this..cut themselves to prove that they have (some) control on their lives or themselves.. We ended up in bed, playing with each other's nails on our skin. I felt like a lesbian for one night. I avoided her calls the next day...she sent me a msg just now that I must ve freaked out. Well, No I am not scared about what we did, I am just not in the mood to fake that I wanna do it again. Her issues with her own life just won't help with my current mindset. I need to be with a sadhu and a cold beer maybe.

And I misread my roster. I can't find my uniform in the first place. Well, I didn't look for it until I am told I did a blunder..Blah blah by this chinese prick from the office. On the way back from a flight I was on pills and I couldn't even pour water on a glass. Kept spilling it. This is how well I am doing at work..

So what is it?

I know all the things that I don't wanna do: like report for duty, meet anyone that I know, talk to anyone from home, brush my teeth, or look in the mirror etc etc and I can't come up with a single thing that I wanna do. Except drink. I looked up the dictionary on 'loser'. its a

Noun: A person or thing that loses or has lost something esp a game or a contest! I know what a loser is (in our term).And I Feel like shit. Reminds me of those feverish nights when I was 12, passed out on my verandah and had drips on my veins and mom keep shoving boiled eggs and bananas up my throat and everyone is asleep and I d wait for morning to come.

At least I had a pretty good reason back then; jaundice. Now I don't even have a clue whats troubling me. Kids usually cry out when they shit their pants and out of discomfort..And I am an arian, I sud know that there must be a reason why I am being such a shithole these days..Half sane half insane.

I was reading a John Grisham coz i am planning to throw it right after. Its old & rain drenched anyways..and I slept off for an hour. I dreamt that I was a black woman and I stepped in a huge wooden pail with honey-like liquids in it. I heard it was the sacred water thats meant to cleanse your spirit! :-) and before that I made out with a afro man! what a graphic dream.. Saw 7 missed calls..

I am in the mood to see animals.. Zoo then.

The light from my window bothers me.

I am a Vampire. Woke up a bit early than I should have.

I am tempted not to write anything thats close to a fact. Especially when I know I have an audience and I have a friend who would do anything in his power to irate me. But then this is my lair. There is a reason why they say don't read someone's diary..You might find something you might not like. But does it mean we are two faced? I don't think I can act more than leave out certain things like: messed up bed, unorganized handbag or the fact that I hate to work nowadays or that I spoke with a person that I should not. Maybe I d rather leave out details about things that hurt me in the past, bandaged wounds or about family matters...or that incident when I got into a cat fight with a girl(she must be a man trapped in a woman's body) who sprung me in the air..and my punches tickled her. Freak! I didn't write about drunk driving too.

I made a toast & got a glass of milk and stared at it. Eat. Well..

So much for the power statement not to depend on any man. I am flat broke! Shouldn't have bought the 990 US Maxmara that I got. I need to make a call. eh, worst part is I dont know how to ask for the 100grands a fren owes me.

Doctor Lee got me 6 shots of hell on me today and I grabbed the sheets to control the stinging pain that I felt this afternoon. 3 more sessions of 6 shots, thats 18 injections! Ah, gosh..wtf.

Pretended that I was fine as we headed towards Sentosa..Took the cable car to the Island and spent the evening there watching Songs of the sea, sat at Siloso Beach and took the sky ride too..felt like a kid..then went to the southern most part of Singapore. I felt tired and I was in pain. But it was pretty ok in the end. I think.

My roommate of a year an a half left Singapore and her job for good. I told her every end is a new beginning. I guess I was consoling myself more when I told her its gonna be ok..You gonna live a better life, happier..I had been with her in the last few days when she was going thru a phase..of wondering whether it was the right thing to leave the job, the money, the traveling, the clothes, She knew she was going back to where she started from.

Perhaps, its a circle..The place which appears like an end might just be the beginning.

I did learn two things:

Quit only when you have enough money to last for 5 months at least. And if you haven't saved anything its still ok if you ve a boyfren like pankaj who tells her to take her time to figure things out, supports her meanwhile..or like Sijina who s getting married next month. She quit as well. But I d rather not depend on a man. A man with a 'no strings attached' mindframe. Or any man for that matter. Robert who keeps asking me to come back & marry him or TK who is still hoping I d come back to Manipur one day. No man. Not even my father. M*#^!%#@! men.

Second is Know why you re quitting.

I need to look for a place to stay if I am staying here for another 8 months.

I don't know whats next after 8 months. Tokyo.India.America. Mom obviously wants me to quit if I m unhappy here n not to ruin my health flying all the time. She mellows me down.

I am battling an urge to reach out for a bottle. But I d feel like a looser again. ALcohol nevr helps, woe is me. But instead I'll make it work, not head for the door as I am tempted and yet disgusted by my ability to take even more.

I won't let myself so susceptible. He is only human.

Well, it isn't anything that I haven't known about you earlier. So what has changed? I had a huge desire to lash out & scream but I am in the company of others. So I reacted just ok & tried to listen hard to their plans to go out.

Yea, I am in. And i'll wear Red

Fuck you

An ex flame called me..took my number from Menaka I think. I once got hit by my Parents because of him, his bloody bike broke down and it was late..6pm in Manipur is very late.

He told me he s still holding on the skinny wildflower that I plucked & gave it to him. He said its 9years 10months old! Lol.. I gave on an october evening he said..its hard to recall his face. Harder still to remember if I had any feelings for him.

I never said yes to him in the past but yea, he made me wet on the phone just now..He spoke nothing dirty. Maybe its just me..I am always on. Fuck. I am ready to swear all the m********** out of me. How much longer? I'll go to the Science Museum this afternoon and try to learn to use the AV mode on my camera.

Or go to Butter Factory with the 4 of us.

Or wherever but not here in my room.

S c a t t e r e d

I was at this book store once when I took my sketchbook and was tryna copy a drawing of an old man sitting on a rocking chair. I took my sandals off, sat on the floor, and started one Helluva orgasmic drawing spree. I got so engrossed for a good 26 mins, ignored passersby s stares and concentrated on the plain white sheet of paper. My hands shook, I must ve almost looked sexy, point focussed on one purposeful task in front of me (my ex girlfren told me she likes to see me that way Haha) ..And I thought it was gonna be my Masterpiece!

Dug a huge hole and out came the mouse!

The sketch was a flop!

I just can't fake it. I could only draw faces that I love. The rest I suck.

The first drawing that I ever did was of Sophia Loren..she was scantily clad in a loin cloth and her was feet in the water and her body was drippin wet...She is oozing 'A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view' from my school drawing book.

Well, my brother stole my book and flaunted to his frens and told 'em he did it..lol. I did quite a couple of faces from then on but everytime I start on a new sheet, I am always challenged by my ineptness with the strokes.

Perhaps I shudnt be bothered by the outcome but just go on doing it.

2.34am

Terribly tired & sleepless. And I couldn't take my mind off what happened this evening. Felt like a stab on my back.

I had waited for 4th august for almost a month now and as I laid on a bench at the park outside my block, I stared at my phone as the clock ticked 11.59, 4th august and I almost laughed out thinking it went too easily. Well, I did explode. I feel sorry for directing my anger & frustration to him. Think I took it too seriously.. It was no big deal. I only missed a flight. Yes. Except that I had counted days for this, ignored the disappointment I had in my heart at the mention of 'next week' & still slept with a happy heart last night thinking I would see that face again. Tomorrow.

If tomorrow comes.

I don't know why I thought of Indira when it comes to moments like this. Friends turned sour. And I have the harboring habit of an elephant. I don't forgive, I don't forget.

A classmate from school tried contacting me and I was missing her all these time till I saw her text. She said she kept me in her memories..for 8 years. Well, I did the same I think. I tried looking for her online earlier but without luck. I assumed she wouldn't be in Manipur, no one stays there anymore. And I made it difficult for others to find me coz I don't put my name in any of my accounts. Fallen Angel eh..I am stuck with this name he gave me.

So this fren of mine, Soni was cheerful & funny & I used to call her a white mouse because of her fair skin and small frame. She was my best friend. I loved her but I was dismayed by the label 'lesbian' that others called us. So I stayed away. She must've felt it too..The confusion. God knows how kids get these ideas. In class 1, barely 4 years old I was treated like an untouchable for being with a tribal girl (weren't suppose to even talk to them I guess), but we shared our tiffins and she stole my water bottle! So they'd do the cross finger whenever they brush passed me. Its a thing Hindus does when they accidentally touch an untouchable (example: shit, dogs, i dont know what else). And they sometimes hang their silver chain on their ears. I still don't get it. Radha karan, Krsna Karan.

Little flower School. I think It did more harm than good to me. I felt more at home near the pond and learnt from novels & magazine rather than from teachers.

The only thing I learnt from school is if senior girls like you, your classmates wudn't be so bad to you. Mom called the other day to tell me Subaarti sent me her wedding invitation. She kept in touch even thru my long hair days ( she preferred me in my short cropped hair tho)..for 18 years! She was my hardcore fan..lol! Its amazing.

The only person I knew for that long a time are my annoying siblings. Can't really get rid of them, can I?

What was about trading one's roots for the gypsy's trail? I really need a brain transplant or a red bull for my memory. I have difficulty remembering anything. I wish this amnesia works on bad memories too. I won't dwell on this bad reverie. A visit to the casino & the bar at the Marina Sands. Did I resolved on taking one step at a time, one day at a time?

1. Wake up

2. Brush my teeth.

3. Smoke.

4. Get ready and go out.

5. Don't forget to breath in between.

6. Ah, I ll think about the 6 when I reach No. 5

Oh yea, I amuse myself with the trivialities. I bought a Charles Hiedsieck as a gift but I seriously struggled not to look at it too much. I am lady Smeagol. I thot of shaving my head the other day but then I thot my airline might not warm up to a bald stewardess. Maybe, dharmsala.

I learnt a few things about myself when I went thru the pain call Auckland.

I don't like spelling mistakes.

I like slightly being breathless.

I can't read anymore. Mr Nice flew out of the window from my hotel room.

I started writing with my left hand. I spent 6 pages writing nonsense Until my fingers cramped.

And I still haven't come up with the PLAN!