I slept fleetingly for an hour and woke up coz the light was so damn bright. My elbow hurts a bit..hit myself at the aircraft door when I did a 12hr flight...

So the 3 month vow that I imposed on myself will be broken with one visit at my place...One fateful visit. I must sleep first inorder to let it happen..Now that I think of it, I wasn't really strict on keeping the vow. Brix happened earlier.

Went to Takashimaya this evening and I was a cosmetic counter trying a Narciso Rodriguez essence when a guy came up and left $ with the lady behind the counter to convince me to buy it. I felt a little cheap accepting the gesture, I laughed it off initially and said no, but thanks and it went on & on..he pursued until I started blushing. Ended up taking it awkwardly. Was it because he wanted me to buy it or because he was feeling suddenly in a 'love all (wo)man kind' mood? The lady said its because you re pretty. I felt otherwise. Told myself that I am pretty much capable of forking up my own expenses .. Perhaps, I sud be a lil less shallow about the whole thing and just be flattered that he liked me.

How can you stand not knowing what you want?

Howard Roarke

Perhaps I could give it a shot..Sum it up to this. A sane mind, a healthy body, a purpose to live & die for, happy family, an address at east coast with white walls and a room where I could sketch and paint.

Its ironic how my mind could be swept off by one name of a city: Cambodia.

I always choose trebuchet as my font..Its a habit. Habits could be nasty. Smoking for instance is a terrible one. I opened the 7th from a pack of ten just now(Duty Free is just 22$ n I pay 12$ outside for one pack). And I gotta mend my drinking habits as well..The last time I went out was at the Brix at the Grand Hyatt here in Singapore and He said he wants to see me..God knows why did I break my own vow not to see him. I ended up being sandwiched between two men and the bartender when he showed up. His first words were 'So they you are..' The sarcasm in his voice was acidic and my smiled died on my face. The bartender thot he was bothering me and prompted me to come in incase I wanted to. I mixed Chauvignon Blanc with Vodka and a glass of champagne. I puked in the taxi i remember. What a night! It was horrible..

I was pretty drunk last night too.. Beers & JaegerMeister shots! Found myself sprawled on my sofa and the lights started to hurt my eyes. The Bayern lost the final. Have a flight tom afternoon and I must sleep now.. Mom freaked out when the Air India Express flight crashed killin all except for 8 pax, her voice were quivering when she said she wanna ask me to quit..I laughed it off but I felt it, told her I am happy and eating and having fun..And our Airline is one of the best in the world, went on to explain that we do a lot of safety checks before a flight gets airborne. I hope I made her feel better..Most of what I told her were true except the I am happy part..Well, I d be a fool if I am not grateful for having what I have in my hands. Time, youth and freedom.

I bought a Marc Jacobs's Lola that gave me a headache! got a purse as well and a 6 inc Aldo heels..My phone bills of 933 thats 30grands in rupees, my rent and the TV, internet and all that s gonna give me a hole on my pocket I am sure.

Was reading Psalms 91 becoz mom asked me to and i found a verse...

Ps 91:4 He shall cover thee with his feathers and under his wing shall thou trust: His trust shall be thy shield.

My mother wants me to read psalms evryday before I step out. Having children must ve been really heavy. He sent me a text that read 'Son: why do you look so sad & tired? son, I m thinking about this woman that i love so much all the time. Thats what I should say' Was it a question? I dont know what to reply at that..Except that I love you too. I really don't know why am I meeting evry idiot on this earth but him. I intend to find that out..In 3 months? Ah,..

Wine, cigarettes or hash? Or would I rather choose the taste of his mouth when I kiss him..Music, running with the heavy congestion on my chest..or setting my feet on a new country..what drives me?

So she is pregnant. For a spilt second I felt something in my heart and it went off..I didnt try to decipher what it meant. well, I had dreams where i would wake up with the feelings of having fed a baby from my breast. It would be so real that I d take a nasty cold shower to come out..sometimes, i let the feeling linger just a wee bit. Just before the reality of my situation creeps in my head and i try and shrugged it off.

I miss mom when she tries to stay awake by my side when i m ill and she'd doze off after a long tiring day, cooking and washing. Miss the sound of her breathing...like a subtle snore, reassuring and so familiar. Gosh, I miss her. And baba.

May the 16th. The first day of the rest of my life..

I barely slept in 48hrs, two hrs of fleeting sleep here and there and it would be an understatement if I'd say I am tired. And yet, I couldn't call it a day. Our airline is doing well, I think..I see new girls being rostered on flights and I heard 10 batches are currently under training. Which is apparently good i suppose. So the 10% cut off in our basic wouldn't be there. Not that it bothered me. So what really does bother me? Maybe, being not able to see my Family in a year.., buying something thru my gritted teeth bothers me, being used to ideas that a place to live and car is what I might work and Not knowing what love is bothers me..

Work.

While I was sipping a Mondavi Fume' and trying to sleep I kinda thot of the irreverssible damages that I caused..So many that I couldn't bring myself to admit. I wish I was smarter, wiser..How did Confucius got all the wisdom in the world with just one life? I am Missing that face that I saw for the first time outside of the Hyatt in Taiwan...the good looks and I remembered what I thot at that moment.."where the fuck where u all my life?' Was I intoxicated? I am pretty much rite now..I could tell at the way my Laptop got a dent and i heard a dang just now, my eyelids are heavy too. I bought the idea that I could give myself 3 months before I could walk up to him, arms & legs wide open. Babe, its just an affair...This is what I tell myself everyday. would we be even there when I ve to confront the truth? would we even last a few years.. Eternity is a word too exaggerated. I love his ring..The sheer coincidence that once I saw it at the back cover of a magazine and I thot it was nice, i was in school then. I wannabe able to come back to Manipur, even get engulfed with the hopelessness of this place..its a suicide but I feel like choosing it over this dream.

Now i feel like laughing at my plight...I see how easily I d give myself to an obsession. Thinking every waking moment. Its just the face that kept changing. I d never be loyal to anyone except to love.