A classmate from school tried contacting me and I was missing her all these time till I saw her text. She said she kept me in her memories..for 8 years. Well, I did the same I think. I tried looking for her online earlier but without luck. I assumed she wouldn't be in Manipur, no one stays there anymore. And I made it difficult for others to find me coz I don't put my name in any of my accounts. Fallen Angel eh..I am stuck with this name he gave me.

So this fren of mine, Soni was cheerful & funny & I used to call her a white mouse because of her fair skin and small frame. She was my best friend. I loved her but I was dismayed by the label 'lesbian' that others called us. So I stayed away. She must've felt it too..The confusion. God knows how kids get these ideas. In class 1, barely 4 years old I was treated like an untouchable for being with a tribal girl (weren't suppose to even talk to them I guess), but we shared our tiffins and she stole my water bottle! So they'd do the cross finger whenever they brush passed me. Its a thing Hindus does when they accidentally touch an untouchable (example: shit, dogs, i dont know what else). And they sometimes hang their silver chain on their ears. I still don't get it. Radha karan, Krsna Karan.

Little flower School. I think It did more harm than good to me. I felt more at home near the pond and learnt from novels & magazine rather than from teachers.

The only thing I learnt from school is if senior girls like you, your classmates wudn't be so bad to you. Mom called the other day to tell me Subaarti sent me her wedding invitation. She kept in touch even thru my long hair days ( she preferred me in my short cropped hair tho)..for 18 years! She was my hardcore fan..lol! Its amazing.

The only person I knew for that long a time are my annoying siblings. Can't really get rid of them, can I?

What was about trading one's roots for the gypsy's trail? I really need a brain transplant or a red bull for my memory. I have difficulty remembering anything. I wish this amnesia works on bad memories too. I won't dwell on this bad reverie. A visit to the casino & the bar at the Marina Sands. Did I resolved on taking one step at a time, one day at a time?

1. Wake up

2. Brush my teeth.

3. Smoke.

4. Get ready and go out.

5. Don't forget to breath in between.

6. Ah, I ll think about the 6 when I reach No. 5

Oh yea, I amuse myself with the trivialities. I bought a Charles Hiedsieck as a gift but I seriously struggled not to look at it too much. I am lady Smeagol. I thot of shaving my head the other day but then I thot my airline might not warm up to a bald stewardess. Maybe, dharmsala.

I learnt a few things about myself when I went thru the pain call Auckland.

I don't like spelling mistakes.

I like slightly being breathless.

I can't read anymore. Mr Nice flew out of the window from my hotel room.

I started writing with my left hand. I spent 6 pages writing nonsense Until my fingers cramped.

And I still haven't come up with the PLAN!

What counts is what we do after we fall/fail/fuck up isn't it. I can think of all the words that starts with the letter 'f' to start with. I made a decision last night. Not because I got fined for my first recorded offence but because I actually think now is the time. I sat under the shower for God knows how long, my skin felt numb after a while..esp, where the spray hit directly on my skin. I hugged my knees, staring at the sprinkles of water on my arms & I thot of all the things that I am gonna do after tonight. Starting now.

I am craving for a cigarette, left a carton in my hotel room. And I am too proud to ask the guys seated just across me. One thing that i intend not to do in my life..asking a stranger for a smoke. I had a huge list of things like these with me..No this no that which if i put the jigsaws together made me, me.

I actually thot that I was gonna come up with a huge revelation after tonight..like a flash of wisdom sweeping over me after sitting for almost an hr in the shower. None. Blank. An annoying silence in my head..like in the final exams when I am pressured to come up with an answer to a question that ll make me pass & my mind just refuses to obey. I guess thats the clue! There is no answer in there. Stop lookin inwards..I ve been doing only this for 3fucking years! I am gonna stop thinking & just pick anything random from the chaos and follow my impulse. Just three things that I might not put on the list: Streaking, drugs & sex. Well..

I am trying so hard not to quit flying right now.

Its cold & my finger s froZen. I need a smoke.

My hands look like that of a seasoned farmer's...tanned & hardened. It once touched my granma's forehead during her last days...Wondered if it felt soft on her, I saw her tears slipping on her wrinkled skin. I could almost remember how her skin was like..thin, plastic like pasted on bones. She didn't even recognize her own granddaughter...Made me smile when she kept asking me my name. And I answered,' Nangi nashune' and she'd relaxed and lie back again on my lap..My head felt dizzy as I sat there, trying to give her the warmth of the sun on a cold winter day to her body while I shadowed her head with my back. We value those people more when we loose 'em, don't we?

I can almost club my life into a 15 mins trailer.. I could see a much younger me sitting by the pond, using ashes to wash the plate I ate on after I came back from school..The daal looked like jello during those cold evenings! Have u seen insects with thin long legs standing on green water amidst the water lilies? They create small ripples, tiny little ripples that fades off before it reached the edge of the pond.

Then I see myself on the school bus, holding on to the seat rail trying to stop the bus because I didn't wanna go to school..Then, mom teaching me 2+5= 7, dad only taught me how to draw a rabbit out from 2. Checao taught me how to pronounce 'Paddy' she said it rhymes with 'Daddy'. It does today. Then I felt mom's hand pulling me, telling me in her mad voice to say goodbye to that stranger covered in white clothes on the funeral pyre.. Mom, I stopped praying from that day after I saw you sprawled on the floor in front of that thing we called God. See!! it was just pieces of clothes & earthen pot with rice in it... What else do we pray for? Lotteries.

And I recall the chilly water of the river when dad pushed me in it. We all resurrected as a different person, with colder hearts as we came out of the water, purer..

18 years old and I am walking outside my college after a fest, someone won the rose queen title..Lol.I lost. She had a boyfriend who got her a big bunch. I walked out with my cousin when it started raining softly. I did feel a little lonesome that day & I asked, 'When the hell are you coming?' You came in bit & pieces, sometimes in ash's face when he sleeps peacefully, sometimes in Indira's eyes, in Robert's obsession, sometimes you felt like the tip of his cold nose when he kissed me..I want you to stay with me forever, kalte Nase, like you do on my sketch book or on my mind. I think I ve to pay the ticket of long hours and live thru what they call life to know how the trailer ends.

I read about this person 6 yrs back, who succumbed to a rare brain disease. She was a Mathematician. It says the dementia, although stole life out of her & frustrated her as her mathematical ability slipped away from her, it also gave her a rare creativity. She's spent hour & hours in her studio, painting & drawing. She did a bar by bar representation of a classical piece call Bole'ro by Maurice Ravel. She called it Unravelling Borlero. The outcome was a kaleidoscope of colors.

I ve noticed people with great minds usually has a weak body...Its some sorta way, energy balances itself in our Universe. A friend of mine had the weakest of body when his mind went thru gushes of creativity..He came out with lines & thoughts so unbelievably beautiful that I would sit and listen in awe.. I don't see Einstein with a body of an athlete.

Why is that beauty takes so much out of us?

Its reminds me of William Wordsworth's Solitary Reaper. No one knew what the song was about..Neither did the poet. He mused over her voice when she sang in the fields...Was her song about love or of pain of losing someone to a war? My english teacher told me the most beautiful song comes out from the saddest of heart.. She must've lost someone. Well, I couldn't really comprehend what my teacher was trying to tell me at that time..I was more concerned not to let him touch my cheeks during his lecture as he wud do sometimes. Coarse hands brushing my skin. Sent me the creeps up my spine..In between a boy would give me a side glance during class... I was distracted, I was growing up. But like an aftertaste of a cigarette in my mouth, my teacher's theory on beauty & angony stayed on my mind. I would cycle back to my house, passing by the river banks, speeding up in the crowded market & my brake didn't work so I heard the occasional 'thorai macha' from old women...Never once forgetting what my teacher said in his lecture. I think I remembered each word that came out from his mouth that day, remembered his expression as he looked down on us thru his reading glass. He was an ugly man. With a beautiful mind & he could talk. And I usually find rhetoric pretty shallow.. But sometimes when I read this article of an actress who was once really pretty, got cancer and ballooned up today to thrice her original size, I wonder how did she cull out those words from her mind. She mixed humor, hope, fear & pain in her articles. Beauty does take a lot out of us. I wished I had a plasto eraser that worked on my life the way it works on paper.

I finished the final touch of my sketch and lit up a smoke..and I thot of sending a text when I stopped midway. No..what if I ve to burn it as I did in the past? Its my best baby..

Girl, you've been here before. Maybe its the wine and the cigarette.

Or the fragility of my hope.

Meine Liebe, meine alles,

Have I ran enough from you?

How many more "Dein' will I seek from you..Tell me a way to ease these knots in me . I can't stand it when my heart keeps asking for more.

Heroin users outside a Brothel

In 2006, India's internal conflicts were listed by Medecins Sans Frontiers as one of the most unreported humanitarian stories in the world. At the heart of this statement are the ongoing insurgencies that plague India's notheastern states like Manipur, where up to 16 different militant groups fight for autonomy, or simply a piece of India's booming economic pie. The conflicts waged between militants and government forces leave the civilians of India's northeast living in marginalised communities that are politically volatile and economically stifled.

Amidst these tensions in Manipur's Churanchandpur District, a climate of minimal opportunity and high unemployment cause a large number of youth to turn to drugs to escape poverty. With heroin being produced in the 'Golden Triangle' that stretches between Myanmar (formerly Burma), China and Thailand, and a primary trafficking route being one from Myanmar across the porus border into India, Manipur's youth are vulnerable to a surplus of high quality cheap heroin

Adam Ferguson.

My recollection of Air India was that of the Maharajah Mascot with the fat belly & the warm smile! I boarded the flight and saw slim Indian guys with white shirts with bars on it & I had the impression that they might be the tech crew...They spoke to the passengers with that authority on their tone of voice. 'Sir, step aside and let the people on ur back pass thru'. No please no sorry. That was the beginning. When one got a vegan meal, he got angry and said 'I paid for this?' The steward replied with a 'Hey, Ur meal is complimentary, you paid for sitting here!' A resonating silence followed. I hate our Airline! All the squatting down & showers of sorrys.. A PPS came up with a blog that tells you all about how to scare a SQ robot with a hump to get what you want: First class amenities and all the crap u cud get from a plane. Its not much for us but then, hey if one gets a phenyl for free they d drink it.

I must say AI was generous in giving us a plastic meal..Haha! But I was the only girl wearing a heel & I look like a foreigner so I got the free blanket & a pillow (unsolicited of course, coz i wont dare ask them for anything after) & got served before a lot of confused passengers who were wondering when are they getting their meal. The flirting that followed was 'whao, too direct, too upfront & on your face!' Actually frightened me.

I wanted to finish a book but I had to pretend that I was sleeping. And it did get me sleeping. Like we used to do when we were kids...to avoid the 'have u washed ur face? the mud is all over ur hair & whats that u re holding? yikes, an earthworm!, dont kiss ur doll too much, u re making her bald!' went on & on. I feign asleep esp when dad comes to my bed with a cloth to wave off the mosquitoes from my net. And sometimes, i feel the pressure of holding my breath while he lingers a min or too to watch me sleep. I was his favorite child. My brothers hated me when I got away with anything i did. I love the Timex dad hid for me. I kept it until it cudnt fit on my wrist anymore. Parents must ve wished their kids never grew up.

I was talking to my frens the other day. We started from the Origins of the Aryans. How wikipedia created a different story..We argued how during that period there wasnt any changes either in the architecture, the weapons, the potteries etc etc. Invasions usually brings out a chain reaction. The mughals brought a lot to the then Bharat that spread way thru now indonesia, thailand & malaysia. They have temples of the Hindu deities more than in mainland indus. When I saw the huge serpent with the demons on one side & the demi gods on the other squeezing the Amrit, at the subrabraraaaaaaa airport(forgot the spelling) I was pretty surprised. Statues of Hanuman, Ram or Ravan were evrywhere.

Caste system which was one major deal in Hinduism started from a very simple ideal: Those who can read & write literature became the Brahmins, those who wont quiver while slashing am enemy during war became the Kshatriyas, the protector of the country, the third were the Vaishyas, the one who does the calculation, forcasts & does the math...Followed by the Sudra, the lowest in the caste. Pankaj really had excellent choice of words when he said 'The sudras did those work which the higher three caste didnt have time to do: clean, sweep, mob' The Sudras were the untouchables.

But it was a simple division of labour. The reason why inter caste mix of blood was a No No was because of the fear of losing the purity of their genes. Well, a warrior's son can only be bred in that environment of sword skills & various display of bravery and not in brahmin's family. That was their simple reasoning. It followed generations & generations of the Hooha on equality. The first women who became the first IPS officer in India actually became a celebrity...Indian guys are chauvinists, they think a woman whose main reason for living is to nurture will hesitate when she raise her sword against her enemy's throat. I see the point, women would think twice before drawing first blood. But I also think mothers when they ve kids to loose can become hell's fury...we have the best example of the one woman who stood with her feet on Lord Shiva...Goddess Kali. She is my fav goddess. Dark, angry, naked wearing just a garland of skulls on her neck and her feet on the God of destroyer!

I feel uneasy again. Restless for the hundredth time this week. I hope evrything is fine at home. Heard Nita eloped with David and her father & Karobi are raising hell. My sis told me she cried badly on the phone. Funny thing eloping is...When you spend a night with a guy outside of ur home in Manipur, it means you re unpure & hence you gotta marry him. David is christian..I could see how her father must ve felt...Defaming one's family is bad.. I think i forgot to lock my photos..I saw a comment. Its gonna be 3 in the mornin n the russians r still drinking at the bar.And they re pretty loud.One more smoke n i ll go back to my bed.An Armenian guy just came up asking if he cud use my laptop for a min & he claimed to be a national boxer, he seems nice but his coach is dodgy with his you look gorgeous line..I know how i look right now in my pyjama. I am far from it. I must go!! I couldn't forget the three russian teens I saw outside of the mall. They must be 13 at the most, dressed up like hookers and smoked reed thin cigarettes. Innocence & a certain arrogance on their face. What got my attention was their laughter that followed after their icecream went plop on the table..Two of them looked at me as they laughed. I smiled back. I opened my can and admired the sound of the tin when you open with all the fizz in it.

And whenever I fall at your feet
Do let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

From Russia with love

2.15 am.

I saw the outsides from my hotel room and the weather was just nice for an evening stroll and before I could change & leave my room, it started raining. So, I just stood there watching the rain and people rushing. I think I should start sketching again. Use colors this time. Beige & black & white to begin with..

In Houston, there was this black american driver who told us we are so open & talkative when we re not in uniform and the moment we don our blues we become military officers with stoic facial expressions..I told him that its downright not true, coz I like to talk with or without clothes on! Made the old guy laughed. In London, one woman approached me of all the others & told me that her grandson is on my flight and asked me if I could take care of the toddler..I smiled & said absolutely & not to worry coz he'll do just fine on my flight! She had this happy smile as I waved her goodbye. Sometimes, passengers just walked with us, talking to me & thinking I know the routes when I am as lost as the rest of the crew..& Heathrow is a huge airport. When I get up from my crewseat, some passengers seated just across me would get up instinctively & I'd tell them that I am not in the military, so sit down & relax..That breaks the ice. And It did help me coz i spilled three singapore slings on her later that flight. And she was wearing a white shirt...She said 'ah,its awrite!'

The flight back here in Moscow was a long one and smokers walked faster than the rest, I reached the coach earlier and I was smoking when I saw these flowers on the roadside. I walked down to touch one of the yellow flowers (out of curiosity) and I thot no one would see me do that, so when I walked in the bus, one leading guy & three girls were cracking jokes at me..'You know, all the cars stopped when your sarong flew up in the wind & you were so mesmerized by the flowers & so were the guys! And I said Yea, I did that on purpose. But my legs ain't that long unless you fancy a chicken leg..

It was windy as hell so when we walked out of the airport we all did the Marlyn Monroe but without the sex appeal.

I must sleep now. I ve a wake up call at 11.

How does one rate themselves on a likeable scale? I see girls on facebook uploading endless numbers on photos posing in different ways and I do it too when I am bored to my brains even tho I find it eestupid.. I am sure each one of us must think we re cleopatra. I am, in reality a mean person, I don't remember birthdays, I make people wait & I hurt them, not once but on many many occasions. My sis used to cry at my habits, lock herself up in the bathroom and then scream out at me. I made ash cry so many times, robert too, and men don't cry..I see them taking part in a funeral, staring at the dead body of a fren with that look on their face...unwilling to let go of that person who ate with them on the same plate, laughed at the same jokes and dreamt of goin to America, marry a woman, earn lotsa money and then start a life..and still they didn't shed a tear before putting him in a coffin. Its surreal to see them in that way. And I made men like these reach out their hands to me when they let themselves go. I dont know If I grabbed them..well, No one would linger when I am like this.

But I get surprised when they show up on my birthday, when they call me when they re in pain and say thank you & mean it for doing something i did when I was less mean. They couldn't take it to see me cry..Its silly.

Indira said she wants me to mother her child coz she thinks I ve more in me than I think. Men says I could be a better mother than a wife..I think I could be in a slum still scoring drugs. I need to drink some milk. I bought a carton n its been with me since I left singapore. It reads "Made in Australia", flew to singapore to Russia and voila its in America. Lets sound excited Miss Moo

Me & Yenny at St Basil's, Moscow.

I am erasing all my songs & putting in new..Its a random pick from the UK charts & some Goths. Much as I enjoy my fav songs it does tend to annoy me later on...esp when u keep repeating the same tunes. Houston as we passed by is surprisingly green..I saw continental Airlines flying out pretty frequently. Rings a bell...I did try to find out if it flies from Singapore. That was when I wanted to take a flight from Houston to San Fransisco. LAst yr.

The words are getting in my head..

Any more than a whisper,

Any sudden movement of my heart.

And I know, I know I'll have to watch them pass away

Just get through this day..

I have to step out in the balcony to smoke..This turn out to be a non smoking one..I see the huge water fountain just outside of my room and I think its nice. Houston aint the yeehaa city that I had on my mind. I'm not a big fan of buildings & taxis honking in thru my balcony..A woman on my Moscow flight passed me her card & asked to call her when I get there in Houston..I didn't clap hands this time baby. I'm Jaded but I wudnt mind someone showin me a texan boots store.

My batchgirl s callin me out for breakfast & I felt bad sayin no,avoiding her..But I am hardly human right now...I am ET with a green heart. I need to get home..

Wats with the huge font? is it my eyes or just the setting gone wrong? I think I must sleep. I keep making the same mistakes again..I am back to the same habits. WHy don't I ever learn unless I burn my fingers..unless I hit rock bottom. Yenny told me to pray when I am unsure..I was always shy to pray, thinking we ask too much from Him. ANd during my teens i grew up as a stubborn realist not believing in a supreme power above us. I saw no one outside of me. But Gosh, I feel so small right now..

Ema, nachase sennabiyuko..ei waare fao haifam leite. Yam laape yum su, hanbagi lamben do kaohanganuko... Ei halaktoine nongma nungthin ama.

Struggled for 11hrs to sleep. It was exhausting..I think I drifted for an hr or 2 in a half awake, half asleep trans like state. I have to work for 12hrs now...I could call in sick but then I thot of how I'd stay in singapore. It gives me all the more reason why I sud chin up & do this flight.

I m seriously broke, havent paid my phone bills so now they took out my outgoing, I cant even send a text..my roaming s gonna take off my incoming too. What a perfect timing!

I read the mail and I felt this sudden ache in my chest..Maybe its true this is the only way you knw that you re in love. I had been fighting for a yr not to feel this..I was hell bent on not letting it hit me. Not this hard.

Its gonna be ok, I can do this..

No sleep. My eyes looks swollen. Felt my shoulders shaking as I undressed, took the wet clothes off my body. I don't know what was I thinking walking in the rain at 6 in the morning.

Relentless, ever burning, ever consuming is this need. Think I am back to lying on the bunk of the train from Home.Watching the vast emptiness of the outskirts of India, the hot wind coming in, entangling my hair, the smell in the air was that of burning hay from the fields and the weird stench of the train when it brakes..I took the 3days long journey With hopes of finding peace inside my four walls..on that hard cold bed.

Pink Flyod s on the radio.So you think you can tell? Heaven from Hell, Blue skies from pain, Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail, a smile from a veil?..Wish you were here.

I'll be gone for another 11days..Russia sounds unreal & unwelcoming. I have no wish to go to Houston either. Perhaps, the only good thing it could do is give me a much needed perimeter..I must leave. These words wouldn't sink in my head unless I am in the air again..

I thought I wudnt feel a thing.

Barely slept two hrs I ended up pacing in my room & as if on a spell I walked in the heavy rain. The cool tapping of the raindrops on my face cooled some of the heat in me. The air felt cleaner...I felt seriously dehydrated after last nite. I am starting to get so used to the feeling of lying on a speeding taxi with my head so fucked up.

I Slipped and fell on my butt as I walked on and without thinking I took my sandal off.By god, it poured and I was so pissed. I peed back. Was I even sane earlier? Working in that company, walking back home to save on the auto fare coz I had vowed not to ask money home, cooking and holding up the small world I created for myself & the one I loved. Was I ever in love? I thot I cleaned up good..from walking barefoot in the streets of Goa to here.Who am I fooling, I never changed a bit. Remon, if you re reading this tell me how did you pulled off your transgression? I feel bloody awkward trying to fit in their world..like a teenager with a funny voice..neither too young nor too old. Neither loved nor hated, just awkward.

Find me there again at 4th block..I ll wear my navel touching hair down...

Love,

Rahel.

Ich liebe dich.

Went to the Clift at Sentosa...It was a really nice restaurant, amidst green and water and I could see the sea at the distance and lights from the ships. Tried Foie Gras, raw Oysters ( that didn't feel nice as it went in my throat) and Black Cod with 3 glasses of Champagnes. Or was it 4?

We took separate taxis. Its ironic that I still feel bad..My skin sud ve been thick by now.

The taxi driver took about 5 or 6$ less. In india, auto drivers would kill me if I dont pay him 200Rs. Maybe it was because I spoke to him, listened as he spoke of his life, his addiction to gambling, his son who committed suicide...People could be so hungry for someone to just talk to. Perhaps the most common disease that kills man is feeling unloved, not Tuberculosis or AIDS. Waved goodbye to him, another face in the ocean of strangers i meet each day..Some up in the air, some down here..Came home, changed into a black French Connection tiny dress that I got from London and waited...I loved what followed.

All this time I thot the best thing I ever wrote or sketched on paper was when I was emotionally torn. Thot oblivion was better than seeing the light of day..I was so wrong. Well, I'll need my old journal & sketchbook to know for sure...Think I ve burnt them. It did make a nice bonfire

Was it anger with myself that I took my running shoes out and ran under the hot morning sun. Singapore's heat isn't funny especially when you re gasping for breath whilst you run. Of course, who wants to run..If I could I'd rather stay in bed under the Aircon and light me a cigarette..If I could. Well, I ve been trying to sleep for the past 3 days. And I cudn't take it any longer. I needed to tire myself as much as I can.

Saw two Malay/Filipino maids pushing two strollers, one with a small little girl and the other one with a 80 or 90 yr old man...He was nothing more than a bag of bones. It was a strange sight...Circle of life eh. I ran forward. Did 20 rounds and I admit my body felt so damn weak that I would ve wanted to drop dead... I told myself this is my body, this machine that I ll ever own in my life and I heard my own breathing, felt my thighs trembling and it made me feel so fucking alive. Told myself 'This is me..' The Stranger in me. I didn't need any other form of motivation. I thought of many things as I ran...That anything directly related to our body is the most important thing in our lives..Food for one. A healthy body is our only insurance, our only security. Think evrything starts from satisfying this first. I read books that said our bodies is just clothes that we gonna have to shed as we move on to the next life. That we should think we re insignificant, our needs and our body least of all is anything but important. The Gita says it. Osho and Swami Prabhupada too. I had this wicked smile on my face..As if there is an afterlife. Well, they ain't here to tell us there is infact an afterlife! I thot about Chris Sharma, the rock climber.. I saw him climb rocky mountains in Mexico and heard him grunt and groan as he tried to lift his whole body weight with a fingers grip in a small hole and reel with envy. I know how glorious our bodies can be, how fantastic it can feel... Its is the most awesome thing on this earth I could tell you. Is there any other way to feel really alive than thru this? I was glad I came out of my room, out of the internet frenzy and did something better. Its amazing to know that I'd so much more stored in me than i thot. Life & Energy.