Calcutta is unreal. I saw a woman once with two little kids lying on the street on a hot, summer day. The heat made me feel like an 80 year old as I walked in my sweat-soaked loneliness in that inflamed, busy city. How many of us has walked away when we see pain? I have, with a heart that even Superman can’t lift. And I tell myself that mine is nothing compared to her pain, or to a millions others.

Mom carries the loss of her first child on her aging, stooping shoulder. Year after year. She never talks about it but sometimes she says nonchalantly while listening on the radio that my late sister once told her that she wanted to watch this particular movie but she never got to.

And my fingers froze as I thought of bitter tasting meds & the constant fatigue of a terminal illness that stole her away from us. The onions started to blur in front of my eyes as I was slicing it. What is it with onions & tears? I knew the answer once when I was in school but..that was a long time ago.I should sue my brain or the onions

On nights like this in an electricity-less city that I call home, I thought of the recent onion-triggered moments in my life that I’ve misplaced it somewhere...

Between my folded heart.

This blog has nothing to do with anyone, dead or alive.  Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of my imagination or are used fictitiously. 

If I pissed you off, it is purely unintentional..But I write the way I want to & its the only way I know. 

All in all, I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. My mind is no slave. 

A bird thrown in a Valium Sky

Guilt is such an unnecessary baggage to carry. Its heavy especially when I sleep at nights..Guilts about the way I spoke to elders at home, of lovers that I walked on & of promises that I didn't honour. And a pressure to write when I couldn't do even one line. So I took a pill to put on a thick skin so that when I read what I wrote I wouldn't throw up on it. 
I wonder if I am any different now than how I was  at a Shady night club that runs non-stop from Friday night till Sunday morning, soaked in ecstasy and dancing with a girl with 4 blade lines on her wrist that read 'If I were you, I wouldn't come near this vinegar heart'. Her eyes said something else.
She played with her nails on my skin the previous night & we reeked of lust. We had men swarming around us.

I don't know what was it that drove me then, was it an urge to see how far I could go or just the pure recklessness of a girl without a purpose to live for. And I squandered my youth, wasting it, abusing it & I loved doing it as I danced..

I tell a beautiful lie 

every time that I did not open up my mouth.

All the same, it’s a game,
it’s a play, it’s a war,
it’s a shame that we’re always fighting for.
I don’t mean to cast no blame
I don’t intend to pretend, I could never loved you more. 
But in the blink of an eye, everything you ever knew can change.
And it’s a beautiful lie if you think everything will always stay the same.


Its a frozen photograph of a past that I fear. I fear wearing that old skin..That old secret again.
A secret that's aching to show..

I felt the grind of the rocks on my bare feet as I tread from one rock to another, closing in to the edge of the cliff. I am in an obscure Thai beach, away from people's view.

It was the sound of the sea that pulled me and as if I was under a spell I edged in closer & closer until there were three more huge rocks and there it was...the vast ocean. There was a moment's hesitation, I could either loose my footing when I jump through the distance between the rocks because of the slippery moss on it or I could fall off into the water. And I cant swim.

I fleetingly saw more than a dozen crabs crawling on the crevices as the waves roared, washing the rocks creating white foams and tiny cat fishes wriggled to get back in the sea. It was their world that I was in.

The sun's ray escaping from the overshadow of smoky clouds glittered the water's surface and it simmered.

I took off my sarong from my waist, the only thing that I was wearing and I leaped onto the next boulder. And I was on the edge, I stood still and closed my eyes. I felt the power of the waves vibrating on the rocks and its force rushed through my feet and into my heart..

A Frenchman once told me that when we were born, when nature takes it course of pulling us out from the dreamy oblivion of our mother's womb the experience is traumatic...the sudden expulsion of pressure from our ears, blinding light and the strange feeling of taking our first breath of air.

As I stood there wearing nothing but my skin, my body sweating from the heat and the aggressive rush of life in my veins at that moment I thought I'd go through that experience of being born again. And again. For what I saw in front in front of me. Beauty to its lair. I gulped in the seawind and I screamed out.

I felt insignificantly small as I stared at the sea. All our dreams & worries, the humdrum of day to day life must've seem so futile in her eyes. I was nothing more important than a sea urchin, the fish or the crabs...I was only a speck of life to her. For one silly moment, I felt wise with that knowledge of my insignificance and I smiled.

I still felt like a naked Goddess 

Heaven sent, Heaven stole.

Delhi's heat evaporated my patience the moment I landed at the airport. Saw my name on a Placard and I turned towards that direction. On the flight here, I was seated next to a guy who kept ramming me with questions on where I came from, what I do, whom am I meeting in Delhi..After 10 mins of it and I asked the flight attendant if I could change seat, right in front of him. And she shifted me next to an elderly woman who smiled and then asked 'Betta, kaha se ho?' Where are you from? Japan? And I said 'Yes!' Funny, it was the name of a country that I'd erased from my head & this woman so easily set the mood for the rest of my flight. That reminds me I have a ring to return. & so so much more.

I quickly gave her my corporate meal (Its a budget airline, no meals were served & we Indians don't like anything that's not free) and it served its purpose. Kept her mouth busy. She thought I was kind!
Two weeks of tedious talks at home and I am this. My sister blurted things that she didn't want to, I know. I love them to death, But Gosh, One more sessions on counseling and Marriage and I am so close to killing myself.
Freja came to see me at the Airport, Dad and Abe was with me, She told me she met with an accident because she rushed on the bike. I looked at her bruises and I thought its so futile, all the hopes that a 21 yr old kid is weaving. Even on 3 prozacs I know all the hallucinations that I'll eventually wake up from. Reality being one of 'em.

Just got here in this room and I downed a Vodka straight. And put Skin on loud. A wasted day today talking with the officials & this heat don't help.How do I head to Bali with all the baggage that I bring in in my head..

I am wearing the charm that mom gave me, on my waist & its a silver on a black thread, i fiddled with it, stare at it..What kinda protection do I need? The enemy is within.

I read in the paper that a human eye can differentiate 500 shades of grey.
I wonder if it also means that we can understand the ambiguities of many things..
I hate ambiguities..
I guess it more often the last key in the Bunch that opens the door..

A Photograph by Erik Johansson.

I bought a book by the title Annus Bisextus, the name amused me and yea, I know how it sounds like. But as it turns out it means "leap Year" in Latin. Buh..Can't trust anything by the cover these days..

I shift from a Liberal mindframe to unoriginal to quaint and back. For instance, I don't think kissing is cheating, But I also don't agree that it isn't cheating if I don't enjoy it..

To separate the physical from the thought is something I can't do.. Thats when I cease to be open..

I went to the same spot where I usually sit and it does feel like my stairway to heaven. The view is just as beautiful as the first time I saw it when I was 18. A vast horizon of water under the red sun. Feels more like me here..not living a 'Leben der anderen'. I'll go back to shabby chez radha..

Naaley...

Aimlessly wandering from airports to airports, one hotel room to another to my shithole in Singapore..I'll find peace in your arms..my lover, my brother, my friend..

I'll wait for 23rd september to come. Like mecca to a muslim, scent to a moonflower, a dream to a drifter.. we'll meet each other halfway somewhere in a crowded busstop in India. We'll save enough to last us months..I'll take you to Manipur and we'll cross the border to Burma, we'll head off to Rishikesh and to the foothills of the Himalayas..And I'll show how to brush your teeth on a running train..We'll eat on the streets, sit with beggars and look at 70 year olds and say thats a beautiful age. And yes, we'll shit together someday, out in the open fields..

I'll bring my smile along.

It isn't nice to hang in between..I am in the middle of South India, waiting for my flight..I just don't know where to head to. I am more than tempted to go to Goa, get stone happy by the seaside and never go back to Singapore. And whoever I ve known there..

I'm on a vegan diet, I am amusing myself to go celibate as well (for a couple of months at least)..Got inspired sitting outside an airport looking at the red sinking sun on a smoky-polluted Indian sky.

I cant touch or feel that pain anymore..I guess Time eased the crease. I prayed & begged every night for endless months to wake up one day when I will forget him..its amazing I can't even recall his face..Who said God didn't exist?

Oh Yes, the eulogy.. Well, I went one night to say Goodbye and at that moment I felt the weight of 'letting go'.. I was loosing a person that I loved, not clothes, not things..a real person. It was like burying a dead..

'Forever' never felt so real until then. Where am I heading to? I ve a plane to catch..

I went in the water again..3 in the morning..

For one, it scares the shit out of me and I ve let it come in my mouth, my eyes and my ears but then it takes me where I wanna be...somewhere unreal.

I went out on my own earlier this evening..for a change..went to Cottons on, bought a Khaki shirt, a sweater, a black tank top and running pants. Bought myself a huge cup of yoghurt as well, my only source of energy these days..and I got stalked by a creepy boy who kept asking for my name and I told him 'I dont do this'..Came home to find a package outside my door..Flowers & soft toys and strawberries. Another guy I am avoiding.

Think I ll keep the strawberry...the nearest convenient store is a kilometer away!

Bought a cream for my lips..It still fucking hurts when I'm eating or drinking something.

Jo is in love with a guy who is 49 and she is lost..Married with two kids. I told her she doesn't stand a chance, she is what, 23? and men at that age wants to find out whether he s still fuckable but He'll fall back to his wife after the heat s gone..she s complicating her own perfect life, told her to run a mile away while she can and I knew I was lying all along.

Would you live a lifetime, safe in your cocoon without knowing love or burn yourself into that fire for one moment of pure beauty? I look at myself in the mirror and I am parched! ..I don't even care if I don't get to see him again. I don't care if he turns out to be an asshole, a coward, a runner, a Ryan Bingham crap or whatever..

I saw and felt it..this heaven or hell. And I will always be that moth circling the flame..

As long as I feel something, even if its pain..

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.

You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, .. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is... A group of people that miss the same imaginary place"

Know.

Think.

And act on it. Don't stall.

I've a few things to do before I go to India tomorrow. Sigh..My lips looks bad..

I've decided to carry on living. Deleted phone numbers..all of it, for my sake..coz I keep wanting to write something and I wasn't exactly looking for a reply which seems like a formal text..I wouldn't be surprised if I get a 'with reference to ur last text' on the subject line. Fuck you.

I am gonna go to Liang court, run for half an hour after that and go soak my restlessness in the water. Johnathan said I suffer from ADHD last night coz I kept wriggling from Sanctuary to Mulligans to Mr Bean's to another pub by the riverside in less than 2 hours. He suggested maybe I should try outdoor trekking or biking. Maybe I should go fuck myself..

This is the thing with my life, I get almost everything but in halves.. Even a win comes with a shade of losing.

Lets write something nicer you & I..Hmm?

I learnt how to step out of my own skin and pretend that I'm someone else..like for instance, when I am working I am this person with a smile, In my room I am Virginia wolf, with my frens I am the girl who is game for anything..esp, another tequila shots, with dean I am a girl next door whom you can ask for sugar..With you, I am me.

I flew to Beijing with this girl call cheryl, 24 yrs old, sweet & innocent..she screwed up big time on the flight, didnt know what was what, she couldnt even open her seatbelt. So I wrote her a step by step service procedures that somebody else did for me when I was new..We also went to the Forbidden City together and I waited patiently as she ate slowly..listened to all her grievances and her stories..She'll learn. Hugged her in the taxi and I said goodbye..she told me she'll never forget me and she was about to cry & I quickly stepped out. All the while thinking, its just a matter of time that she will..our job is such. I wouldnt even remember where I flew before Beijing let alone recall whom I flew with.

I told her to go out with her mom, go for a nice dinner and not to think about this flight..I also told her not to tell her mom about what she went thru..Why did I say that? Why did I ask her to do what I did..not tell my mom about anything that I came out of...mean chinese fuckers who... Well, I acted as If I was having a great time traveling while I came back feeling gangraped from each flight. I don't hate my job, I hate the crews sometimes.. I needed this job to prove me that I will stop my drug-chasing, Nimhans-friendly lifestyle that I had earlier... I was harming evryone around me. I used to feed R some pills and we used to get so drunk & high & I drove his car like marvin! I made Ash do evrything I did..

I think I kinda slowed down after that incident in Manipur..And I applied for a job, to get out of India..I think it helped evryone else that I left..well, thats comforting!

And Evryone believed it that I cleaned up well. Almost evryone..

I am suppose to write something nice. I found a new swiss premium flavour..Pink Grapefruit and it taste beautiful. And I did 3 lapses on the pool. Cleaned my room, finished long due chores and I am getting better.