I’m thinking of buying this LBD, wear my hair down and see this person whom I’m not suppose to see. But then I thot the year is getting over and I am leaving soon so maybe one more mistake wont make a difference..Is it hope?That quintessential thing that precedes giving up? I know the answer would still be no…but like thay say, when we are in the gutter some of us are looking at the stars! My butt s hurtin, maybe I’ll cushion this chair some more..Amazingly, my depleted account isnt hindering my spendings. When u pay less attention to money, the more u’ll enjoy letting it go. We are young only once anyway..and who knows I may land 6feet under tommorrow. Gosh, no plans for the future..no resolutions yet again but then if I get to fly with SIA I am on a roll this coming year. Rest will be the rest. And after reading Robert Frost’s provide I’m considering not ending up like old Abisag. But I still feel if we hold on to things that we ve in our clenched hands, we won’t feel so bad about not drivin a Gallardo or not being born in hollywood! I ve a gr8 family, an amazing fren who wont give up on me and my skin is as good as ever so I ve nothin to complain about..Happy new year!
I am listening to the corniest manipuri love song that was meant as an answer to my uneasy questions…turnt out to be a lie anyway. Its silly but I cudnt delete it yet so I play it once in a while just to laugh at my actions perhaps. The idea of giving it all or nothing at al…………..6.30! My sis ll wring my neck if she sees the room this way..Upside down..More later

U spend all ur time waiting for that second chance…The word flows thru the tapping of water and I stop midway in the shower..Sarah Maclahlan’s Angel sounds great even till this date. Last time I heard it I was 15…So many things has change since then, my dreams got reshuffled, aspirations marred but then I lived a lot…I’ve travelled alone, ve swam in the greenest of seas, ve stood alone on a cliff in the middle of the night, if I slipped that night I wud ve smashed my face..I wasn’t exactly sober and my frens’ callin out to me sort of dimmed in the roar of the water breakin on the rocks…I was fearful of the height but I ve never felt more alive and young..that nite. I kept tellin myself don’t be too squeamish n timid about ur actions, all life is an experiment..what the fuvk as changed???lol..What followed was a bad record on my marksheets, unremarkable jobs in between, unemployment, sordid love affairs, a sex change..lol..actually, nothing. I haven’t changed at all.

I don’t have the luxury of being a purist…I wake up every morning to this world that’s full of agony. Shunning away from the Tv doesn’t really work coz I still cant help but read newspapers that come to my doorway every morning bringing news of terrorism, crime and violence...n I shift in my bed uncomfortably. The journalist who hurled his shoes to the President is being labeled a Hero by Pakistani media and the like. During dinner my frens wud tell me that India’s silence in regard to the recent attack in Mumbai is the quiet before a storm. Are we on the brink of war? A lot of people are accusing India for not taking any step..Military or otherwise….obviously the diplomatic rhetoric and running to mommy and daddy (US and Britain) ain’t working. The thing is people DIED out there.
I am reading ‘We the living’ by Ayn Rand…The book’s backdrop is that of a war torn Soviet and I wud consider myself lucky for being born in a time without war…my Granma used to tell me stories about their ordeal during the last world war. Mom’s generation was pretty peaceful altho she married a poverty stricken family…And now me. I am not Nostradamus, I can’t perdict but considering the present situation, I am not sure if this era will be War free. This is a different sort of time where people hate each other so much…Bangalore’s traffic for instance, is enuf to summon a road rage that’s alarmingly scary. If somebody accidently touch ur car even a tiny lil’ bit, u’d screamed all ur motherf*** hatred in a gush of derogatory. Nobody listens to Bob M’s love for one another I’d say. I noticed one thing..When the Palestinian came on TV screaming Allah o Akbar out on the street when their homes were burnt down, some of my Muslims frens wud shiver and tell me they feel so violently for them, that their heart reached out to those who lost so much in the despicable horror. So how did all of this really started..The US of A has a reputation of stickin their fingers on any country’s ass…Oil being the agenda. And the bearded fundamentalist followed suit. The Hindus' demolition of Babri Masjid was another mistake. Does it really matter if a temple stood before that? What about the people who were burnt alive in that train? We all look at the bearded guys with strange eyes. Even after 16 years, we spent that fateful day in anticipation whether another terror attack will strike again...We could no longer sit in our living room and ask them to leave us alone…they’ll crawl right back to us. I had to write this. It has been culled out of me. What next? Peace process with Pakistan has been put on hold…Pakistanis media laughs on our own distrust of the Indian police. Our PM’s dependency on the bureaucrats let those on high commands go scot-free even after the fiasco. India requests US and Pakistan to take action n shamelessly tells us that life must go on with its timid bit of ‘asking for the LeT leader to be handed’ being the only so called action they've taken so far, Not reassuring I must say. Should we all start carrying guns like those in Afghanistan to protect ourselves? Ratan Tata, who owns the Taj groups has declared he’ll have his own set-up to counter terror. Our police are incompetent. Funny thing I see a lot of police guarding our night clubs here…Lol..we call ‘em our moral police…Pretty busy scaling up and down all the girls in short skirts. I remembered Sharon Stone being badmouthed by the Chinese media for saying that it was Karma that many Chinese died in the recent quake. Hmm...y am I writing about Sharon? Got distracted…oh yeah, the Tibetan refugees……
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… n the vicious cycle continues….

As if the north wind blew again..beckonin me to leave. I ve a flight this sat. Tired of reasonin with those around on why i sudnt go, why I must write the test, visit the doc etc etc..And then I thot of all the reasons that made me get the ticket in the 1st place..I get bloody mental in this place..

I knocked down a bottle of Merlot last nite and I realized the wine was getting over only when its residue stayed on my mouth. When I smiled I had wine stained teeth. I woke up feelin sore…Slept at 5 in the mornin…In a haze of thoughts…incoherent mostly and yet I felt as if it was beating inside me like a second heart, refusing to leave me..And I panicked. I prayed an Atheist’s prayer for morning to come. Mmm, I guess I went overboard in my secret plot to buy a gun and hence I stayed up allnite with smacking lips n brimming eyes..Lol..Like a psychopath who is hungry for fire and brimstone.

Sunday morning. I was dragged out of the house for a morning walk.. I was glad later on coz we played in the soft drizzle and on the greenest grass of all. The view was breathtaking…birds,trees,a lake. And we acted like kids…Roby even taught us to do Yoga which was a disaster coz he forgot the next step midway while we were aiming our butts towards heaven..lol. A trip to the Banerghatta National Park was cancelled coz my sis wanted to shop instead. So we headed to Oasis…we were left gapin at the price tags..lol. There are sum of us who look really good in Fcuk and sisley. I look better in a 150Baht tank tops and shorts..Hah!

SaturdayNite. Bangalore’s Bars are real slow. No Dance Floors, an 11.30pm Ban and the No Smoking Labels everywhere. 4 of us drove to brigades to shop instead…Springfield and Benetton. And I found a new place that’s got Blacks on every hanger! I love Blacks. The place had the shortest of skirts and tightest of pants. I was gonna go there again…Roby got a Fat raise in his Salary so he wanted to pick the tab for whatever we ate..lol. But then we waited for a lousy 20mins to get a place to dine at Dominos. The assholes just wudnt leave even tho they were thru.
There was a rally goin on that nite…to protest the recent hit in Mumbai. It reminded me of that guy who screamed ‘…Everybody knows things are bad..Things are crazy, punks are running in the street, Homicides n violent crimes evrywhere..Nobody knows what to do, we don’t go out anymore, We live in our livingroom n we say please leave us alone, lemme have my toasters n my Tv, I woudnt say anything. Just leave us alone. Well, I am NOT gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad. I want you to say I am a Human Being God Damnit, my life has value!’ You’ll see this guy in ZeitGeist and a coupla videos of sum rock bands..System of a Down for one. Watch Zeitgeist I say.