What counts is what we do after we fall/fail/fuck up isn't it. I can think of all the words that starts with the letter 'f' to start with. I made a decision last night. Not because I got fined for my first recorded offence but because I actually think now is the time. I sat under the shower for God knows how long, my skin felt numb after a while..esp, where the spray hit directly on my skin. I hugged my knees, staring at the sprinkles of water on my arms & I thot of all the things that I am gonna do after tonight. Starting now.

I am craving for a cigarette, left a carton in my hotel room. And I am too proud to ask the guys seated just across me. One thing that i intend not to do in my life..asking a stranger for a smoke. I had a huge list of things like these with me..No this no that which if i put the jigsaws together made me, me.

I actually thot that I was gonna come up with a huge revelation after tonight..like a flash of wisdom sweeping over me after sitting for almost an hr in the shower. None. Blank. An annoying silence in my head..like in the final exams when I am pressured to come up with an answer to a question that ll make me pass & my mind just refuses to obey. I guess thats the clue! There is no answer in there. Stop lookin inwards..I ve been doing only this for 3fucking years! I am gonna stop thinking & just pick anything random from the chaos and follow my impulse. Just three things that I might not put on the list: Streaking, drugs & sex. Well..

I am trying so hard not to quit flying right now.

Its cold & my finger s froZen. I need a smoke.