Frantically rushed to the Airport.

Uninhibited glances from male eyes made me uncomfortable and I looked at what I was wearing..a black dress and a light blue, half length sweater. And I told myself 'i look decent so I shouldn't give a fly' ass!

Then headed to the Skypark just to show around. And the weather was pleasant so... Went to a Tapas Bar at Clarke Quay and we spoke for a bit after dinner.

I love sitting by the river just outside of Clarke Quay & stare at the reflection of the colorful lights on the water..listen to the music from bars & clubs closeby and people screaming from the swing.

The soft breeze played with my hair and cooled my face,it also created tiny ripples on the water and the lights amplified the effect it had on me...and at that moment life felt really good. I am young & healthy. And I am in love.

Maybe its just a gamble, maybe I d loose it all..Time, youth, blood relations, job, security and all the things that my frens say is important to sustain a secure future and which I try to soak in & couldn't. Sijina is so happy with her decisions, getting engaged to a man her parents chosed for her, quitting SQ, leaving this place forever and She'd asked me to do the same..Decide. Decide? If only I could come out of this paralysis that his name has developed in me..Maybe I want to loose it all. For one look of your face, one touch of your skin..

I am shifting from this house soon, throwing old clothes & shoes thats attached to a shred of memory that I treasured..things my sis got for me, some which mom sent me from Manipur & some that wudn't even fit me and I sat on the floor and I looked at it..

Yes, its fuckin hard to let go..How could I expect anyone to seal 13 years of its life with one kiss from my lips..Forgive me.

I was blind.

I wonder how much more will it costs us. How much more conscience will we have to swallow, what if in the end it turn out to be just a fling? I don't feel like writing you an email or to talk to you or to meet you when I am like this. And don't ask me why..

But it does feel a lot more than just a fling. A lot more.

Spoke to my brother,He is a yr younger to me & I treated him like my own son since we were kids and I wanted to be the one who showed him right & wrongs..responsible and shit! Buh! tonight I ended up telling him what I went thru. And I said I wish you were here and I love you. Leaned towards the table to grab a smoke and I felt this tears on my sideburns. Ignored it. Told myself I look better when I am cocky..not like this.

Chaak laame ema, ei halaknginge yumda..nangi nanaakta. Nangi hingjang sembada yaonginge..arembada loina taakhidoi maale eina sida leibagi, nangna thuna hanukhradi. Eigi enakta adum leiyuko..