I met this woman, 32 yrs old single & gay, on friday the 13th :) she cut herself once..saw her scars and as I touched it I wondered why people do this..cut themselves to prove that they have (some) control on their lives or themselves.. We ended up in bed, playing with each other's nails on our skin. I felt like a lesbian for one night. I avoided her calls the next day...she sent me a msg just now that I must ve freaked out. Well, No I am not scared about what we did, I am just not in the mood to fake that I wanna do it again. Her issues with her own life just won't help with my current mindset. I need to be with a sadhu and a cold beer maybe.

And I misread my roster. I can't find my uniform in the first place. Well, I didn't look for it until I am told I did a blunder..Blah blah by this chinese prick from the office. On the way back from a flight I was on pills and I couldn't even pour water on a glass. Kept spilling it. This is how well I am doing at work..

So what is it?

I know all the things that I don't wanna do: like report for duty, meet anyone that I know, talk to anyone from home, brush my teeth, or look in the mirror etc etc and I can't come up with a single thing that I wanna do. Except drink. I looked up the dictionary on 'loser'. its a

Noun: A person or thing that loses or has lost something esp a game or a contest! I know what a loser is (in our term).And I Feel like shit. Reminds me of those feverish nights when I was 12, passed out on my verandah and had drips on my veins and mom keep shoving boiled eggs and bananas up my throat and everyone is asleep and I d wait for morning to come.

At least I had a pretty good reason back then; jaundice. Now I don't even have a clue whats troubling me. Kids usually cry out when they shit their pants and out of discomfort..And I am an arian, I sud know that there must be a reason why I am being such a shithole these days..Half sane half insane.