I kept waking up every other hour. I have a flight to Beijing this afternoon.

Pack. Bath. Drink water.

Its starting to rain and my room is bloody cold. I lost the AC remote..I don't know me anymore.

Perhaps, I'll start on a clean slate. Learn. Swim. Eat healthy. Run. Read. Look more inwards than on the outsides. Accept that people are forces different than mine, they've a mind of their own, their own agendas, their moments. And I've mine.

Plan a day ahead.

Live Conscientiously.

Expect nothing.

Well, I'll go to Beijing, sleep when I land there and I soak on the tub and look outside the city and I'll come back..It all feels so trivial..Living like this. When did I get my period last? I must seriously start updating my Calender..and stop this madness of wanting my body to change. My friends said last night that most girls would be eager to have what I have and I don't even diet..He was complaining that girls have it so easy..at a job interview, at a que, all we ve to do is wear a skirt and half the battle is won. He was pointing at a group of guys and said, just look at that, look at their women beisdes them..they wanna be here on this table, they were staring at you when you walked in..Like some sick joke he added girls like me are the reason why men wud leave their wives and I stared at him.. Does he know..or was it some weird coincidence. I went out to light up a smoke and wish I didn't have to listen to that. I am not this. But I am also so empty.. Oh fuck, what did I turn out to be..

What do I lack that I settled for this..